I've never owned such a type of bag before, but I think I'm going to have many hare-brained schemes and wild goose chases with my new bag. I've called it "Nigel" because I think it looks like a Nigel. I shall make full use of Nigel to carry all manner of merchandise on Thursday when I go to see Explosions In The Sky.

For the time being, Nigel contains the following items:

1 Staedtler Stick 430 M GB Black ballpoint pen
1 Pilot Hi-tecpoint V7 Grip ballpoint pen
1 Staedtler Permanent Lumocolor fine tipped marker pen
1 A6 Notebook
1 Box of 18 Imodium capsules (6 remaining)
1 Strip of Rennie Fruit tablets (8 remaining)
1 Pair of Sony Neckband headphones
1 SanDisk Cruzer 1Gb USB storage device
1 Pair of "The Glasses Of Power" (tm)
1 Paperback book: "101 Things To Do Before You Die"
1 80Gb iPod (11946 Songs, 1.2 Gb remaining)
1 Pair of "in-ear" sony earphones
1 Picture of "Senior Cocknose", drawn on a photograph with the following message written in   
   ballpoint ink:
                        Berthold
                        Steinhilber
                     To Ian
                         Happy 21st
                              Love
                               Simon

Sometimes when I go to the cinema I have to endure people kicking my chair, people talking, mobile phones going off, and the like. Now, I may be considered quite grumpy for letting these things irk me so, but I see little point in forking out £8 a time to have a film ruined by nasty little idiots chatting away like so much dentures.

If I have a bad cinema experience I say out loud "Right! That's the last time I'm going to the cinema!". This turns out to be an idle threat and soon enough I am back in that darkened room watching films.

Other times I will have a pleasurable experience. People will be quiet and considerate, keeping quiet for the entire length of the feature. After this, my faith in the cinema is restored.

Last night it was heavily rubbish. The film itself was brilliant and I wish very much to see it again soon. But there were three underage kids in there, talking throughout the full running time of the feature film. At one point it became too much for this viewer, and I felt I had to shout out the following: "Can you shut up please?". They obliged, albeit for about 15 minutes, then they piped up again.

Well, I can't begin to explain how furious I was. I was relishing the end of the film so that I may collar them and give them a good telling off. So you can picture my rage when, as soon as the credits popped up, these little dickheads scampered off before anyone had a chance to sort them out.

Still annoyed at the little shits, I got back to my car to discover that someone had parked right next to me, even though there were literally hundreds of free spaces all over the car park. "Of all the spaces, why park next to me?". This sullied the experience further, and I can only liken it to drinking urine to wash the taste of faeces out of your mouth.

I went to University at Falmouth College Of Arts, down in Cornwall. This was between the years of 2002 and 2005. I never had any gap years, I went straight in to University off the back of my A Levels.

Here are some messages I have received. Sometimes I reply to people, being abusive. You may see some examples of this later on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Noel.
Great to see you back on telly.
How do i get to be on Deal Or No Deal?

I would love to know what the banker sounds like and lay on the charm with him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Noel do you miss Mr Blobby?
Downloaded the Mr Blobby song onto my ipod this morning. Great fun.
Take Care.
Emm.
xxxx

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject:    Helloooo
    Hiya Noel I'm a big fan and it hurts to see the stupid sick comments about you...please remove them all and the people that sent them.

Hope you are well love the show and love your work....thanks for bringing us Deal Or No Deal.

Nikki xxxxxxxxxx

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject:    No Subject
    if you want to see me naked let me see you first

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    RE: RE: Hello!
    From: Andrew

Hello Noel,

Just a quick howdy! + I did not know that you write poetry .cool

I have Just one question.. no not deal or no deal lol. But would you add me to your friends list? kinda grown up watching you on tv ...so it would be cool if you would add me.

Hope your ideas keep bearing fruit!!

+ if I see that c..t blobby I will be sure to deal out a hiding for ya lol.

I will stop there.

Bye.

Andrew

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
 

No.

No to everything.

Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Andrew
 

Sorry was only having a joke..I am an ok person really, did not mean to cause offence.

Just have a weird sense of humour thats all.

Sorry again.

Andrew.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject:    dont delete noel like i bet ya do to all emails, lol

Noel
There is NEVER a day that i miss the show.
its now reached cult status and if anyone deserves to be behind the help its you.
the banter and the gameplay is better than anything in the gaming world.
will soon be global and its more than deserved.
i do keep checking ch4 for app forms but alas its that popular the waiting list is endless.
forget the bunnys of this world ya need a scouser on hampshire thats loving the noel.
keep it real my man and when we gonna see the banker??
Andy

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Richard
Date: 28 Jan 2007, 13:19

Hey Noel!

Love Deal Or No Deal! any chance of a comeback of Noels House Party in the near future?

Rich

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 28 Jan 2007, 13:38

I swear, the amount of times people have asked me this question.

No, no fucking Noels House Party any fucking more. It's deal or no fucking deal at the moment, then we'll review the cocking situation.

Noel

P.S. Thanks for watching.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Richard
Date: 29 Jan 2007, 11:12

What about a new reality TV show called 'Shop Swap', where corner shop owners swap with an electrical supplies shop for the day, hehe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 30 Jan 2007, 14:14

That sounds like an even worse fucking idea.

Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Richard
Date: 30 Jan 2007, 17:12

I was speaking to my dad today (because I normally ignore him) and he said you managed to convince a caller on the radio that a 'haggis' was a 3-legged monster that runs around the hills in Scotland.

P.S Can I be your friend? I dont have many (sad bastard)

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----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [BROADLEY]
Date: 24 Jan 2007, 01:47

u bearded cunt! =D

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 25 Jan 2007, 05:35

I hate you broadbean

You emo little shitfucker.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Michael
Date: May 4, 2006 1:09 AM

U r a legend

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: Nov 1 2006 2:25 PM

Thanks, sadly U R Not, but keep on trying.

Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Michael
Date: Nov 2 2006 5:14 PM

dats rude. Keep on doin a great job at deal or no deal as dats the best show EVER.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject:    RE: RE: No Subject
    hi noel. i was over the moon when i just found that id got a proper message from you! ive gone all tingerly! ha ha! thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for adding me as a friend.you have made my year hun. p.s-i really miss your prog-noels house party that used to be on the bbc when i was a kid.i used to have a bit of a thing for mr.blobby! anyway,take care sweetheart and thanks again,your no.1 fan,april. x x x

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: Jan 5 2007 11:21

Noel

Well done on your inclusion in the latest edition of Who's Who - it's taken far too long.

I'm still not convinced that you are the real Noel though. Can you prove it?

Thanks

Dan

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: Jan 6 2007 03:29

King

Not only will I prove that I am the real Noel, I will also make a matchstick castle for the little people who live in your scrote.

Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: Jan 8 2007 13:49

Noel

I'm really sorry if my last message upset you.

You are my favourite TV presenter. I have watched you on TV all my life. Deal or No Deal is brilliant and it wouldn't be the same without you,

Will you forgive me for doubting you?

Dan

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: 14/01/2007

Noel

Please stay on Deal or No Deal for a few more years. It wouldn't be the same without you.

I can't believe that it really is you on here and not someone pretending to be you. I'll believe you though!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 15/01/2007

King

You damn better, or I'll drive my GT40 round there and smack you in the face with an allen key.

You do message a lot don't you? I'm beginning to think that perhaps you have little to no friends.

Just a hunch.

Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: 15/01/2007

Oh I have friends. I message you because I am a fan.

I still don't believe that you are the real Noel. there is one way you could prove it. I could give you my mobile number and you could leave me a voicemail.

Look I really am sorry, but you are not the real Noel Edmonds. If you are, then I am sorry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 16/01/2007

You know, you're the first person to actually come out and say it.

I made this Noel profile way before Deal Or No Deal started up, I guess I just got lucky!

Anyway, thanks for entertaining me. You're no way near as funny as the strange scouse lady that keeps giving me her number though!!

Take care.

Not Noel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: 16/01/2007

Hey it's OK.

What's your real name and how old are you?

I'm going to leave you in peace now.

Cheers

Dan

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Noel
Date: 16/01/2007

I'm 22, my name's Ian. I made Noel when I was bored at uni, nearly 2 years ago now.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The King of Wishful Thinking
Date: 16/01/2007

OK cheers Ian

Have you got a Myspace for yourself?

Just kidding

I really will leave you alone now - you must be sick of me.

Cheers

Here are a few of the dreams that I have had recently:

1. I dreamt that I was in McDonald's and I ordered a strawberry milkshake. I noticed that they had a machine filled with red mealworms. This machine crushed all the little blighters into a puree, and this was then deposited in the cup in the form of strawberry milkshake. I supped on it happily, even though I could clearly see that it was made of mealworms.

2. I dreamt that my friend Paul came to the pub with me. After two pints he decided to drive home. He initially offered me a chance to drive his nice car, but I declined as I was not insured. Unperturbed, he climbed in to the car and proceeded to drive it using a PlayStation 2 controller, even though he was sitting in the back seat next to me. During the drive he crashed into a lot of cars, ran over a lot of people, and flouted all sorts of laws. He was a maniac.

He stopped the car and ran off, leaving me to drive it. I was soon pulled over by the fuzz. I explained "It's not my car, it belongs to Paul". I took out the registration documents from the glove compartment, and lo and behold, the car was registered to me.

I used to wake up every morning, bright and early, and switch on the TV. Derrick would be sitting there looking back at me, egging me on. "What do you want from me, Derrick?". "Let's get those legs moving son!", he would exclaim.

"And up! And down! And up! And down!"

We were inseparable. The best of friends. He made me smile like no other person could. His dress sense was immaculate. His charm could have melted the coldest of hearts, no matter which season it was.

We don't see each other so much these days. He's drifted off a bit really. I think he made one last push at a film, but it wasn't very well received from what I gather.

His film was called "The All New BLT Workout".

It was quality, let me tell you. I wish I had me one of thems. Mind you, I'd probably be too scared to take it above 40mph in case there's fuzz hanging around.

Other than that, the pub was standard. Had a couple of drinks and caught up with everyone, it's been a while since I last saw them all, and there were a few stories to be told, let me tell you.

Friday:

After leaving work 20 minutes later than usual (5:50pm), I went to the airport to collect my parents and my sister. I stayed a bit later at work because their flight was delayed and I couldn't be bothered to wait at Gatwick for ages.

On the way home, I dropped Amy off at the train station because she was going ice skating with some friends. Then I got home with my parents and they went out for dinner. I drove over to Banstead to see Satpaul and his mate AP (Ankur Patel). We went to Pizza Express and then to the pub.

I got home and stayed up for a while listening to music.

I was woken up at 8am by someone working in their garden. God knows what they were doing, making banging noises so early on a Saturday morning. I was very annoyed because I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up and watched TV. A bit of Soccer AM was in order. Then I showered and got dressed and went to Epsom because Mum was going.

In Epsom I bought a couple of new t-shirts. I wanted to get the Indiana Jones trilogy on DVD, but I didn't fancy paying over the odds for it, so I left it alone.

When I got home I downloaded the new Caspian album. This is what I have been listening to non-stop since then. This is an immense album. And it's not out until April. I'm even listening to it now, here at work.

In the afternoon I was feeling tired, so I crept downstairs to watch "Delicatessen" and fall asleep. No such luck though, I had to take Amy to Redhill. She told us she was going to get the train, then surprised me with "When are you dropping us off in Redhill?". This irked me, but I got it out of the way. When I got home, I tried to watch the rest of "Delicatessen", but then Dad decided to get up and watch crap films. I was foiled again.

In the evening I took my parents over to Banstead so that they could have a curry. On the way back I thought I'd treat myself to a KFC. So I did. Then I finished "Delicatessen" and played my guitar for a bit. I turned it up loud.

Then I picked my parents up. The reason for doing so is that I received a taxi fare for it. £25 thank you very much.

Woke up at 11am. Much better.

I played Dead Rising on Xbox 360 for quite some time. Then I had lunch. Then more Dead Rising until about 9pm.

Then I watched some programme on 9/11 Conspiracies, and finished it off with the episode of Top Gear that I had Sky+'d earlier on.

I went to sleep to Caspian.

People asking me "Where are your Glasses?" when I'm not wearing them.

People asking to try on The Glasses.

Time passing rather quickly.

Breakfast tasting even better than usual.

A large amount of work done.

A good deal of conversation with a disparate number of people.

A sub roll being sold for half the price to yours truly.

A pint of Coor's tasting like the golden ambrosia itself.

As I am never going to get to see it, here's how my version of the film would go:

*Charlton is looking through his cupboards at home.*

"Hmm, I wonder what I can have as a light alternative to mushy peas"

*He spies a can of Soylent Green on the top shelf*

"Well, this is still in date... Let's see now... Contains Water, Eggs, Flour, Orange Juice, Passion Fruit, Soy..."

*Charlton ponders a while*

"I thought it was supposed to contain people..."

*A loud, disembodied voice exclaims*

The glasses were bought for £2.50 in my first year of University (2002). The sole purpose of them was to add to the overall effect of my fancy dress costume. I attended a party where the theme was "Dead Celebrities". I went as Buddy Holy, replete with inflatable guitar, brown jacket, brown trousers and a plaid shirt.

For the entire evening people were singing "Whee-oo you look just like Buddy Holly". You know, like that song by Weezer? It was great.

So this morning I decided to throw them into my rucksack on my way out of the house. When I arrived at work, I dressed myself in The Glasses Of Power and went about my daily duties.

"Mr Brightside" and "When You Were Young".

I can't be bothered to change to anything different, and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to. Let me tell you. Here comes the science.

I'm not the biggest fan of The Killers, but I can appreciate that they have a fair bit of songwriting talent. Unlike most of these talentless bastards who get famous and release shit records, The Killers are actually bearable. The singer has a fairly good range, and the rest of the band are proficient enough with their instruments.

But these two songs in particular are very good, very catchy. I find myself singing them out loud, long after the songs have finished. This is the mark of an enjoyable track.

Do I need to spell it out for you in simple maths?

1. Little Monsters
2. Home Alone
3. Back To The Future Part 2
4. Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom
5. The Princess Bride

1. The Beatles
2. Bloc Party
3. Razorlight
4. The Arctic Monkeys
5. Muse

1. Led Zeppelin
2. AC/DC
3. Creedence Clearwater Revival
4. Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers
5. Pink Floyd

1. Going Live
2. Live And Kicking
3. Soccer AM
4. The One Where Cat Deeley Was Still Hot
5. Motormouth

1. Donkey Nonce
2. Dick Head
3. Tea Bag
4. Dick Weed/Wad
5. Bum Boy

1. Melody Maker (RIP)
2. The Wire
3. Plan B
4. Comes With A Smile
5. Mojo

1. Pitta
2. Best Of Both
3. Wholemeal
4. Ciabatta
5. Soave

Top 5 Breakfast Cereals:

1. Lucky Charms
2. Ricicles
3. Frosties
4. Cookie Crisp
5. Weetabix

Top 5 World Cinema:

1. Pan's Labyrinth
2. 101 Reykjavik
3. No Man's Land
4. Amores Perros
5. Taxi

Top 5 Chocolate Bars:

1. Mars Delight
2. Hershey's Cookies And Creme
3. Crunchie
4. Drifter
5. Milky Way

Top 5 Most Repeated Films On TV:

1. Die Hard
2. Sgt. Bilko
3. The Great Escape
4. Cool Runnings
5. Uncle Buck

Top 5 Favourite Films Of All Time:

1. Jaws
2. Pan's Labyrinth
3. Dead Man's Shoes
4. High Fidelity
5. Threads

Top 5 Books:

1. "Hey Nostradamus!" - Douglas Coupland
2. "Girlfriend In A Coma" - Douglas Coupland
3. "Salem's Lot" - Stephen King
4. "Generation X" - Douglas Coupland
5. "The Catcher In The Rye" - J. D. Salinger

Top 5 Authors:

1. Douglas Coupland
2. Brett Easton Ellis
3. William S. Burroughs
4. Philip K. Dick
5. Stephen King

Top 5 Favourite Solo Artists:

1. Damien Jurado
2. James Taylor
3. M. Ward
4. Adrian Legg
5. Andrew Bird

Top 5 Guilty Musical Pleasures:

1. Michael Jackson
2. Enrique Iglesias
3. Jay-Z
4. Jean-Michel Jarre
5. Spandau Ballet

Top 5 Floor Fillers:

1. "500 Miles" - The Proclaimers
2. "Billie Jean" - Michael Jackson
3. "Build Me Up Buttercup" - The Foundations
4. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" - Michael Jackson
5. "I Want You Back" - Jackson 5

Top 5 Most Hated Kids Names:

1. Jade
2. Jordan
3. Tyler
4. Jayden
5. Anything else beginning with the letter "J"

Top 5 Most Hated Celebrities:

I jogged down the majority of Raglan Road. I failed to anticipate just how hilly the bastard was, so I took a breather at the end, then power walked up Wray Park Lane, which is one big hill.

When I got to the top I took a large breath and proceeded to jog down Reigate Hill to my house.

I didn't time myself, but I checked the clock as I was leaving and it said 00:05, and I got back at 00:35. This made the trip into a nice even 30 minutes, or half an hour if you will. Will you?

Usually I would be out having a couple of drinks with my friends, but this last Friday I found myself in my pyjamas at roughly 8pm. I watched a couple of episodes of "My Name Is Earl". I find it quite nicely understated. Anyway, I got tired around 8:45pm, which is rather un-natural for me, I usually get to sleep rather late on a non-work night.

Laying in bed, I thought I would drift off to sleep pretty sharpish, but it just didn't happen. My mind was still working overtime, so I decided that I would not waste my evening by simply waiting to fall asleep.

I got dressed, drove my car to the petrol station all the way over the other side of the road, filled her up with petroleum gasoline, and then performed the mental equivalent of throwing a dart at a map.

My mind map chose Tesco, mainly because I knew that I needed some useless stuff. So I drove to Tesco at Gatwick. God bless 24 hour supermarkets! I bought a couple of bottles of shower gel and 8 bottles of Michelob Ultra, this low carb beer which is quite nice. Then I threw the dart again.

This time my mind map told me I was hungry, and where better to get food at 10pm than the nearest McDonald's Drive Thru? I am not really a fan of McDonald's, but it seemed like a good idea, so I drove to the one at Salfords and got a couple of cheeseburgers, perfect driving food.

Then I threw that infernal dart again.

This time my mind map was in the market for a nice scenic view, so it decided to send me to the top of Box Hill, the highest point in Surrey. I drove up to the top, left my car, and went for a little stroll. I sat down for about half an hour, alone with my thoughts and my mind darts. It was nice. It reminded me of when I used to walk to the beach at University late at night when everyone else was asleep. I'd sit there and listen to quiet music and the ocean.

Then I started to feel tired again, so I drove home and had a couple of cold ones in front of the telly. Then I fell asleep in front of the telly. Then I woke up two hours later and went to bed.

It's the same across the board. I can't write any music at the moment. If I come up with an idea, I'll run with it for a while and then decide I don't like it. I then scrap it. It probably stems from being a perfectionist, and possibly also from the fact that I'm very critical of myself. Once I told myself off for typing too slowly.

Claire says:
oh dear

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
the goat is called Nancy, and it stole my sister's sandwiches

Claire says:
Nancy? what a silly name for a goat

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
it was quite a silly looking goat as well

Claire says:
goats are so ugly

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
i love them

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
they're the best

Claire says:
freak

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
my best friend matt used to have goats as pets

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
and when he and his family went on holiday, i used to go round and feed them

Claire says:
aww

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
sam and joe

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
they both got arthritis though, it was really sad

Claire says:
poor things

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
ah well, they're in that big field in the sky

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
eating heaven grass

Claire says:
see i think that may be the major flaw with heaven, so goats can eat heaven grass, but what about the lions and tigers who want to eat heaven goats?

here we go, you gang of clowns!! says:
they go to a different heaven, where they feed on animals that went to hell

Claire says:
but surely hell goats wouldnt taste as nice as heaven goats?

Claire says:
they'd be all full of sin

As we made our way down to the arena, my stomach was a pit of butterflies and nerves. I could barely contain my excitement, but I was apprehensive about the whole thing.

What if I wasn't very good? What if I failed to score a single solitary point? What if I got injured by the ball of plenty?

All these questions were running through my head, and it made me feel quite uneasy. Quite + Uneasy = Queasy.

I watched the first bout take place. Dave verses Steve, the clash of the titans. Steve got the game off to a flying start with a textbook 2-pointer. Well, I can't tell you how nervous I was. I attempted to visualise how much force I would have to subject the BOP to in order to get it from one side of the arena to the other.

Before I knew it, Steve had run away with the game. The 6 minutes felt like 6 seconds, let me tell you. And then it was I who had to step up to the plate to face Marc.

The birthday boy, I was led to believe, would be a worthy opponent. Marc is a recent inductee to the realm of Kingfisher, but with a score of games under his belt, I was the odds on favourite to fail.

So you can imagine my joy at posting the first score of the match. A beautiful 2-pointer to kick the game off to a good start. My nerves were calmed a considerable amount by this seamless segue into the world of Kingfisher.

Marc soon began to rack up the points and it seemed as though I had scored my first and last 2-pointer, but then my luck changed as I scored 4 points almost on the trot! I can't describe the feeling. I would imagine that the closest thing to it is scoring a goal in the World Cup final, and then going home and shagging Scarlett Johannsen.

As the final seconds of the game drew in, I managed to secure my victory with a stunning shot which ricocheted off the pad and flew off across the arena.

I was really feeling the effects of the cold weather. My face was always cold. My feet felt like blocks of ice. The snow in my heart had set in, and I was in the grip of SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I thought I was frozen for the entire season.

The site owner/operator, johnsmith2k, knew exactly what to do to thaw my frostbitten limbs. The advice he gave me brought me back from the brink of winter suicide.

There is no better place to go if you want to waste hours of your life reading a post that has been literally pilfered from another website. johnsmith2k is a master at plagiarising the words of bad credit loaners, and his stolen words saved my life.

Well, I didn't actually take out a bad credit loan. Mainly because I don't have bad credit, but I also don't need a loan. I don't even like his blog, it's rubbish. But you should go there and read our comments to get a feel for how friendly and helpful Mr. smith2k is.

I have acted against all your teachings. I have shamed myself and my family. I have lost my friends. I have gained many enemies.

Why, pray tell? Father, to utter the word is to stare Satan in the face and renounce my beliefs. I do not think I can even envisage the bastard word in my mind, for to do so is to give in to it's wicked ways.

Father, I have sinned on two occasions. I have, in times gone past, consumed a lethal amount of Vodka. Not once, but twice. This sin extorts all my happiness, for every day I think back to these two occasions where I so selfishly engorged myself with the clear elixir.

The first time, Father, was at the close of my very first week of University. I had a craving for some alcohol, so I travelled to the nearest off license, wearing nothing but my pyjamas. Upon returning with the Vodka, I set about consuming the entire litre in as short a space of time as possible. Why did I do this? I cannot and do not know. Something possessed me, I do believe it was the handiwork of the devil. He makes work for idle hands.

So there I stood, Father. I consumed the entire 1000ml bottle in less than 30 minutes. I distinctly remember playing on the Playstation with my housemates, but not for long. When I awoke I was covered in vomit, lucky to be alive let me tell you. I knew I had sinned, so I punished myself by sitting in a jacuzzi tub for 4 hours at the local leisure centre.

I thought I had learned my lesson, Father. I thought that I would never drink such a substantial amount of Vodka again. Three years had passed since the first incident. It was almost three years to the very day.

I returned to the University on a holiday with some friends. We went there to remember the good times, and the not so good times. So perhaps it would make sense to say that I was simply reminiscing about the not so good times. Perhaps I could lay the blame on anything other than my own stupidity. Alas, to do such a thing is pure cowardice.

I consumed another litre of Vodka, Father. I barely managed to make it safely into my tent. When I awoke my lower half was entirely out in the freezing cold air, and my upper half had set about coating the inside of the tent and sleeping bag with vomit.

Once again, I knew I had sinned, so I spent the fi