Let's get this straight from the get-go. I am not a doctor. I have no qualifications or experience in diagnosing ailments and operating accordingly. I use my body as an educational tool. Nothing more. Nothing less. I would not consider operating on anybody else, but if the price was right then I would give it some thought.

When I was a teenager I used to suffer horribly from in-grown toenails. I would often be seen hobbling around nursing an in-grown nail on either of my big toes. It's not too bad when you get an in-grown fingernail as the problem usually sorts itself out. The good thing about fingers is that they are less fleshy than toes, which is why you rarely get an in-growing fingernail of any real substance. I have had numerous operations carried out on my toenails over the years. I have had two operations on my left big toe and 3 official operations on my right big toe.

Here is the basic premise of an in-grown toenail, for those not in the know. If the nail is cut too far on either side, when it begins growing back it will create a spur of nail that will then grow into the fleshy part at the side of the nail. This creates an infection and the body forms a lump of skin to try to grow over the infection. Unfortunately because the nail is constantly growing, this flap of skin will not heal. The only solution is to remove an entire strip of the nail so as to take away the nasty little spur that is causing the whole mess. This is done with the use of surgical equipment, tourniquets and anaesthetic. The surgeon will numb the affected area, apply a tight tourniquet to stem the bleeding, and cut right down into the root of the nail and remove the shard of nail from the toe. Then a chemical is applied to prevent the nail from growing back in that place. It's all rather simple, you see? Once I had an operation performed by my GP and he didn't apply the chemical and it came right back within weeks. Highly frustrating.

Now, when I was at University I rarely needed to visit the doctor. The only illness I came down with was tonsillitis which I caught from a girl in my first week of Uni. It was horrible, it really was. But that's neither here nor there at this moment in time. During my third year I contracted an in-grown toenail and couldn't be bothered to see the doc. I decided I would fix the problem myself. I had watched the operation enough times to know what I was doing, so I gathered my tools and prepared myself for the operation:

1 scalpel
1 non-sterile scalpel blade
3 elastic bands
1 toilet roll
1 roll of Sellotape(tm)
1 pair of pliers
1 cigarette lighter
1 food bag filled with ice
1 bottle of Jack Daniels

I changed the blade on my scalpel (which I had bought for cutting up photographs). The blades were non-sterile, but I didn't really care. I washed the blade in a small glass of Jack Daniels and heated it with a lighter to sterilise the blade. I was ready.

I consumed a few large mouthfuls of Jack Daniels and numbed the affected area with the ice. When I was confident that the toe had been numbed, I massaged as much blood out of my toe as was possible. I then applied the elastic bands in order to prevent the blood from rushing back in and causing a mess. Once these were all in place, I picked up the blade and began to cut the nail. The area wasn't completely numb, but I was never going to be able to numb it with just ice and JD, so it would have to suffice.

Once I had cut a fair way down the nail, it started bleeding. This is where the toilet roll came in handy. I used a fair chunk of paper to soak up the blood. Not wishing to prolong my agony any longer, I swiftly cut right down to the root of the nail and used the pliers to yank the nail free. The relief was instantaneous and I could feel my toe healing already. The removed nail had a massive spike on the side of it. This had been causing the infection. I threw the nail in the bin.

Now that I had removed the affected area, I moved myself to the bathroom. I held my foot over the bath and ran a cold tap. I also doused my toe in whiskey to clean it. I ran it under the cold water and when I was confident that the bleeding had slowed, I wrapped the toe in toilet tissue and secured it with a large helping of Sellotape. This would be my dressing.

I cleaned my surgical tools and rested my foot, keeping it propped up so as not to soak the makeshift bandage that I had crafted. In the morning it was as good as new. A successful operation indeed.

Since then whenever I get an in-grown toenail, I just go to town with the nail clippers, cutting away as much nail as I can, then I pull the shard of nail free and let the healing process take place. It's so much easier than troubling the doctor with it and waiting for a referral. So much easier.

If it happens again I shall take photos and/or videos of the incident.