I came across these photos earlier. They were taken from my work colleague's phone. The pictures tell the story of a couple of weekends ago when Steven Paul Allen invited himself round to the house of Rob, the work colleague. Who knows what ungodly hour it must have been. The tale goes that Steve had some friends, including Rob, back to his abode. When they left, he followed them home with some alcohol. They didn't know he was following them until they heard a knock at the door, shortly after returning home. Steve was wearing his pyjamas, a dressing gown, a jacket and his favourite Homer Simpson slippers. These pictures were taken at around 8am from what we can figure out.

Now, answer me this: Would you even consider letting this miscreant into your house? He quite clearly smells of old whiskey and worn bedclothes. Seriously, just look at that unkempt mop of hair atop his forehead. It looks like someone soaked his hair in chip fat and hung him out to dry. You can see the events of the previous 12 hours, just by looking in his eyes. This is an absolutely brilliant picture.

Some bright spark has seen fit to arm him with a cigarette. This can only spell disaster, as he will invariably singe a hole in his clothing or burn his eye out. This is not advised, as Steve always goes weird when he smokes a cigarette. Once I pleaded with him: "Steve, please don't go weird. Stop it, you're doing it now. You're going weird aren't you?", it was really unpleasant as he laughed in my face and made a bizarre crying noise. This is usually followed by the old trick of talking with his eyes closed. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because it helps to obscure his hideously red eyes.

In the above photo, he seems to be doing one of two things:

1) Wrestling with the carrier bag filled with alcohol, possibly shouting obscenities at the bag and anyone who makes the mistake of making eye contact;
2) Breaking out an early morning version of "The Robot".

This is the worst part of his departure. This is the point where it could go either way; he could leave and allow you to go to sleep, or he could waltz back up the driveway and force his way back in so that he can drink his alcohol out of an unwashed mug that's been left next to the sink to fester. In this photo he is actually standing in the road. I sometimes have nightmares about him jumping out in front of me in this state when I am driving. What scares me most is that I don't think I would want to stop.

Still in the road, and still the nightmares prevail. It seems as though he is actually leaving, but we just can't be sure that he didn't storm back up to the house right after this picture was taken. I can imagine him doing this, frog marching back into the building and demanding that you engage in a game of Trivial Pursuit. From here that carrier bag could well and truly contain your soul, or maybe something that belongs to you. Like an ashtray or something.

So that is Steven Paul Allen, the morning after the night before. What a special treat for all you readers.

Upon leaving work yesterday, I ventured out to my autovehicular conveyance. As I was marginally earlier than usual with my leaving of the workplace, I was looking forward to a slightly smoother ride home. This meant that I would hopefully miss all chance of the level crossing descending on my way through.

So there I was, walking to my car. I doffed my fresh jacket and plonked it on the back seats, as per. Then I sat down behind the wheel in order to navigate the vehicle. It was at this point that I removed my security pass. As I flicked the gearbox into "Reverse" mode, I looked in the rear view mirror to see if my path was clear. My path was not clear.

Behind my car stood three individuals, all conversing. They did not notice my reversing lights flash on, and went about their business as if nothing had even happened. I slowly began to reverse, hoping that they would register the movement in their peripheral vision. Alas, they still did not clock on to the fact that I was trying to get out of the parking space. Again, I edged backward. As I was approaching their vicinity, one of the gentlemen figured out what was going on, so he motioned to his contemporaries that they should move along, so as to avoid being reversed over. If there's anything more indignant than getting run over at a slow speed, it has to be getting reversed over at an even slower speed.

So these fellows began to shift, which made me happy for 3.7 seconds, until I realised that their chosen trajectory was in line with my path of righteousness. They walked in the direction that I was set to travel, but without moving any farther backward. They were effectively following my line of sight, preventing me from reversing at the speed which I am accustomed to. This proved to be rather frustrating, and I vocalised my anger at these chaps.

All in all, it must have taken me upwards of 30 seconds to reverse out of my car parking space. I know this because I started playing some music as I flexed the gears over to the "Reverse" flavour. By the time I had finally set off on my way, I glanced at the stereo and saw that some 32 seconds had elapsed. This act, in and of itself, would usually take me less than 7 seconds. I really wish that I had knocked down one or more of these car obfuscators. They're real swines.

In response to Steven Paul Allen's most recent of postings, here is my method with the work pass situation. You see, at our workplace, Steve and I have our security passes that grant us entry to the building. This is how I, personally, do it:

My work pass sits gently at the end of a V Festival lanyard (seeing as we are not permitted to wear lanyards containing the company logo). I leave my pass, lanyard and all, in the small cubbyhole beneath my car stereo. In the mornings, it is usually around 7am when I get into my car. Before I enter the car, I reach in and invade the cubbyhole, retrieving the work pass with the utmost urgency. I then place the lanyard under my collar, which circumvents my neck. Once the entire package is entirely secured, I then don a fresh jacket over the top. This ensures that, on the other end of the journey, I am ready to venture from my car to the building without incurring any stoppages. Wearing the pass comes in handy, as it leaves the card in a secure and easy to reach place for when I, inevitably, have to swipe myself in through the front barriers, and also the pod door.

Similarly, when I leave work at a time close to 5pm, I don my jacket. As I have been wearing my pass all day, as has been communicated to us via security, there is no need to don this before the jacket. I then leave the building and make my way to the car. Once at the car, I remove the jacket and throw it onto the back seats. I enter the car by the driver's side door. Once the engine has been started, I am safe to remove the pass and place it back into the cubbyhole.

Work passes: How do you use yours?

As it turns out, CRG does not stand for anything other than "Cartridge". We tried to think what it could be upon first hearing it, but after coming up with "Cryogenically Real Grandad" and "Clown Rolling on the Grass", we found out the true meaning of this non-acronymal acronym. It means "Cartridge", but I didn't think that was good enough.

The Guitar Hero practice sessions are going well. We had another one on Saturday evening. As always, I was on hand to offer help and destroy the competition in equal measure. I wouldn't bother placing a bet on me to win in the Iron Man Competition, because the odds are worse than evens. We're talking odds of 1/100. It's a good one for the bookies, and no mistake.

So here's what the Iron Man Competition is all about. I may have mentioned it in passing a few times previously, so this is a bold faced effort to clear up any misunderstanding.

When I came back from my Christmas break, I caught up with Bruno and Jay. Bruno said that they had been fleshing out an idea for a competition involving 8 participants. The premise is to discover who is the best all-round Iron Man contestant. But this isn't an Iron Man Competition that you have heard of before, the others all involve varying sports and physical exercises. This event was to focus more on "sports" that we are individually good at. Here are the events and who they were chosen by:

100m Sprint - Jonny Inglewood
Street Basketball - Ash
Penalty Shootout - "Cowboy" Marc C
American Pool - Marc H
Squash - Chris Light
Guitar Hero - Me
Bar Billiards - Bruno
10 pin Bowling - Jay

Each contestant comes up with the rules for their own event, I have already sent out the rules for my event. I will post the rules on here for all and sundry. Who knows when the games will start? Once they do, I'll be on hand to take photos and perhaps even videos. Just watch out.

It was on Wednesday night of this very week that I drove to Brighton with Chris Light with the express interest of seeing Explosions In The Sky play live. Do you want to know how it was? Even if you don't, I shall tell you now. Read on.

I took Wednesday off of work. The plan was to go to Chris' on Tuesday evening to practice on Guitar Hero for our forthcoming Iron Man event. It was planned that a few beers would be ingested and that I would sleep at the house of Light. As it turns out, this didn't happen. Chris was up in London until the early hours, so it was deemed unnecessary to venture round to his abode. Instead I watched a programme about Hugh Everett's "Many Worlds Theory", hosted by Everett's son: Mark Oliver Everett (AKA E, from the rock band "Eels"). It was a very good programme called "Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives". Thanks, BBC Four, for such compelling programming.

It was during this viewing that my sister informed me that Heath Ledger had passed away. I felt a bit sad about this, as I found him to be a talented and engaging actor. I look forward to seeing the new Batman film, as his portrayal of The Joker looks to be rather fantastic.

So I woke up on Wednesday morning at 10:45am to a call from Bruno Fountain, who was wanting to play squash. I said it might be a possibility. I went to Chris' at about 12pm and we caught up on Guitar Hero and Pro Evo. After some time had passed it became clear that squash would not be viable as it would involve too much driving around, and we had a tight schedule to adhere to. We set off for Brighton at 6pm.

It took us about an hour after we had taken out some money and negotiated the rush hour traffic. Upon parking up outside Concorde 2 on the Brighton seafront, I grounded the front bumper of my car, Ralf, on a particularly high kerb. This annoyed me. The damage is not too substantial, but the sheer fact of knowing that I have done this has made me angry. Why do they do this?

We got into the club at 7:30pm and settled down for the night's events. There was only one item of merchandise that warranted a buy, seeing as I already own all the current Explosions In The Sky T-Shirts. I bought an Eluvium shirt, as this was the support act. At 8:30 Eluvium played. He was very enjoyable, but very loud. At one point everyone was covering their ears as the high pitched drones became too much to bear. I got a bit annoyed at all the people talking through his set. Very disrespectful, I feel.

Explosions In The Sky came on at 9:30pm. They were rather good, but again it was the crowd that ruined the experience. Too many people pushing past other people to try to get to the front. Many times we were thrust forward into the backs of dirty unwashed crusties with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks make me feel ill, all that filthy hair makes me gag. Eventually we moved to a more cumbent spot, but it did nothing to quell the chatter from the ranks of arty freaks and young pretenders. Also, there were loads of old people there. If I'd known this, I would have taken my Nan for a little treat.

During the set I was beset by a vicious headache that lasted for a couple of minutes. They come on every now and then, so it's no biggie mac. They're like intense electrical storms inside my head, all flashing lights and head cramps. It passed quickly, but the infernal talking of my fellow bystanders did not. "Hey, I didn't pay £15 to listen to drunk, smelly idiots talk", I moaned to myself. The only other high point, other than the band, was a pretty brown haired girl. I liked her.

We left sharpish, as the band do not play encores. The drive back was quite alright, although I did suffer a brief headache coming through Brighton. It passed quickly again, so all was well. Coming out of the town on the A23, there are two speed cameras, one for each side of the road. I slowed down in time for the one on my side of the road, but I crept back up to about 37mph and the one going the other way flashed me. I didn't understand this, as it was facing toward me and there were no road markings on my side of the road. It is for these reasons that I have not let it trouble me. You could say that I am nonchalant in the face of speed cameras on the other side of the road. If something comes of it then I shall challenge the ruling. You shall not pass.

I am unable to do anything work related as our computer system is, once again, down. I'll be honest with you, it's shit. Nevertheless, this inability to do any work has gifted me with some time to catch up on the events of the last week. In the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, "Hold onto your butts".

The main event of last week was the company-wide "Kick Off" conference. This is effectively a sales backslapping exercise, held up in London, England. There is not much point in my department attending the conference, as we barely got a mention for all the stupidly hard work we have to do. It's a scientific fact that, in doing our jobs successfully, we bring in more money to the company than the salespeople do. It's all about maintenance, you see. You just can't buy this sort of efficiency. Needless to say, yours truly did not receive the recognition he deserved. This was a good thing, because it would have entailed standing on the stage in front of almost everyone who works for my company. I was quite happy to watch from the wings as people tripped over in a rush to get to the stage.

The whole conference was a crashing bore, and I nearly fell asleep towards the end. The only thing that kept me going was playing "The Look-alike Game". Throughout the entire conference I recognised the following people:

Harry Hill / Clive Woodward
Willem Dafoe / The Green Goblin
Groucho Marx
The blue eagle/bird character from The Muppets
Mark Hughes

There were a few more but I have deleted them from my memory in order to free up valuable space for fond childhood memories.

After the conference we went to Namco Station in County Hall, on the South Bank. This was a blast. The company had rented the whole place out and the rumour was that the company had put £10,000 behind the bar. I made full use of this free money and had a plethora of beers. I also played some pool and won hugely on Dancing Stage Euromix. Upon leaving, we went to a club in Mayfair, but were treated like tramps because we didn't have enough ladies with our travelling party. This annoyed the shit out of me, so we left. I came home with Jay, but the others stayed up there. I could not have done this because I was very tired. As it turned out, I was very happy to return to bed.

Another weekend event was a Guitar Hero session. No one can even touch me on this game, I destroy all who step up to the plate. I bought Guitar Hero 3 on Thursday and completed it on Medium level in just under 5 hours. I was annoyed that I had to retry one of the songs.

 09/01/2008 12:10
    
To      Steve Allen
    
Subject: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment
    
When I join you for the journey to get your phone unlocked, can I do the gears?

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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09/01/2008 12:10
    
To    Ian Dulley
    
Subject: Re: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment

If you do it nicely.

Regards,

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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09/01/2008 12:12
    
To    Steve Allen
    
Subject: Re: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment

Just forget it then, will you?

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

Steve Allen wants to get a phone unlocked. Let's see what happens!

08/01/2008 11:56
    
To:    Ian Dulley
    
Subject: phone unlocking capabilities

you say it's thursday i can get my phone unlocked down redders market?

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 12:00
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

I believe so. I think there might be a shop or two along the bit where Burger King and Greggs is that unlocks phones all week long. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out, wh-wh-wh-wh-what's it's all about?

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 12:03
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

really? this is indeed info most interesting. so, to confirm it's market on thursday down redders and i just go up to the mobile phone stall and say 'can you unlock this phone so i can use o2 on it please?'. Will they question the origin of the phone?

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 12:11
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

I'm almost certain that it's a viability that the market is in town on Thursday. Also, Saturday is a market day.

Debbie says that there is a place in the arcade bit where Road Runners is that unlocks phones. You could get it done right now.

They will not question the origin of the phone. It will cost in the region of a ten bob note, maybe a bit more.

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 12:14
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Mmm thanks for the info, i have nourished myself with it.

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 12:17
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Mmmmm, crust.

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 12:19
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

so i just say 'please unlock this' hand them the phone and there are no questions asked? I thought it cost a fiver (mary jane) but am willing to part with a ten bob note for the service. Luncheon appointment with Stephen Cook.

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 12:21
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

If it were me, I'd say this:

Ian - "Can you unlock this phone please?"
Phone man - "Yes, I currently have no questions to ask you at this point"
Ian - "Thanks, I like your hat".

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 12:27
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Does this not encourage the thief's who hoodwink mobile phones? I question the integrity of these phone unlockers but I will bite my tongue in this instance as I really need to use this phone on o2. Incidentally I obtained this phone from someone who reported it as lost and claimed a new one on their insurance, the one I have subsequently turned up. This is why I have the opportunity to use it. Is there any wrong doing here? If I am found out will there be hell to pay?

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 12:30
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

I won't report you.

The only phones I've ever had unlocked are old ones that my parents have stopped using. No harm, no foul.

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 12:31
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

are you saying that there is a slight possibility I could go to jail for this?
will you post this email on your blog?

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 13:33
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Ok. We have a deal here.

Ian Dulley
Contract Management Executive
NHS & Higher Education

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08/01/2008 13:34
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Will this be included in the blog, this email I return now? Can I be found out or sent down for getting this phone unlocked? I am scared.

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 13:52
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Dear Mr. Allen

Thank you for contacting me with your query. I can confirm that all correspondence carrying the subject "phone unlocking capabilities" will be included in a future weblog posting.

With regards to your concerns about being "found out" and/or "sent down" for perpetrating this act of unlocking an illegitimate phonecular device, I can quite confidently state that you will not incur any form of legal punishment or similar ramification relating to the application of United Kingdom law. However, I cannot guarantee the safety of your associate within the constraints of legality, as he or she has already committed a form of fraudulent behaviour. I would like to think that I do not have to spell out the nature of the crime on your behalf.

The majority of mobile phone unlocking technicians are specifically trained to shoot first and ask questions later. As they, themselves, are committing criminal acts, I feel it is safe to assume that they will not "dob you in", so to speak. I recognise that there is an abundance of punctuation in the previous sentence, particularly commas (such as the one pictured here: ,). I do not think that there is any cause for alarm.

I must stress that extreme caution be applied when discussing the above subject(s) with anybody outside of your friend/family circle. I refer to this as the "foe circle". Treat everybody as guilty until proven innocent.

Once again, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you personally for contacting me about this. I appreciate that moments of worriment are a common symptom of extreme duress. I wish you every success in your future endeavours.

A response by return would be appreciated.

Kind regards

Ian Dulley
Phone Unlocking Advisor

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08/01/2008 14:42
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Your Honour,

Will my accomplice, whom provided one with the phone, will they be incarcerated if I am discovered using the phone? The thing is, it was an innocent mistake that they made when reporting the phone lost. They believed it was lost and that is all. When it turned up again should they have rung the insurance people, to confess the mistake. Is this correct, can this be so? If I use the phone will it send a signal to the phone company to indicate it is in use? Can they do this, is this the way? I wouldn't blame them for doing so, as far as they are concerned this phone has been knocked off.

Yours in good faith,

Steve Allen
Mobile Phone Unlocker Enthusiast

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08/01/2008 15:03
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Dear Stevenage

Good to hear from you once again. This is what I have to say to you. You will see that I have used words extrapolated from the English language to convey my message. What I am saying is words.

Your double usage of the term "will" has irked me so. I choose to ignore this as it is not prudent to highlight your shortcomings within the field of linguistics. Secondly, you do not have to prove yourself to me, I have no influence over the law. I cannot forsee any tertiary signals being sent to the phone company from the device, this is not something that is officially done. I urge you to restrain your concerns. I would also like to take this opportunity to dissuade you from making any rash decisions. I am told that you will know what that means.

I have to end this message here, someone is listening to the keys I am pressing and figuring out the algorithms of the soundwaves emerging from the keyboard. Through doing this they are quite literally working out what words I am typing to you.

Warm bedsheets

Ian Dulley
Word Typing Executive

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08/01/2008 15:09
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Your words have a warm ring to them. This is your name. YWHAWRTM. That is the 'Abraham Aviation'. A theory previously unheard of, but as relevant today as it was yesterday. May I suggest that your lodge a request to snuggle the domain ywhawrtm.com? I believe it would be prudent.

Thank you for steadying my nerves regarding the pitfalls of mobile phone unlocking and the legalities of the whole issue. I thank you.

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

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08/01/2008 16:12
    
To:    Steve Allen

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Greetings Allen

My name is Ian Dulley, I am secretary to Mr. Jonas-Jonas of the Nigerian Bank of Nigeria in Basingstoke. One of our wealthy clients has recently passed away and left a great deal of money in an account. We need you to give us all of your valuable possessions.

My words are warm, thanks for noticing. I am thankful that your nerves have been lashed down to the deck, where they will no longer a-quiver at the prospect of being sent down for a crime that you partially committed. Anything I can do to help, this is what I say to you in a text flavour.

Your clothes

Ian Dulley
Secretary to James Jonas-Jonas
Nigerian Bank of Nigeria
Basingstoke
Nigeria

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08/01/2008 16:16
    
To:    Ian Dulley

Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities

Goodness all around,

Will you accompany me tomorrow lunchtime or at another luncheon juncture (the choice is yours- Graham from blind date! You are out of your element) when I go to unlock my phone? You can watch what I do and check I am doing the right thing.

Steve Allen
MDM Lease Analyst

Yeah, I might. I might not. How'd you like them apples?

It's now 2008, and after two full days of recovering from a long drive, I am now feeling up to the task of documenting some recent events.

As you know, I spent Christmas and New Year in Spain with my family. My Father had decided that we were to drive there and back, which was fine by me because I'm not keen on the whole flying thing. So we shared the driving. We left at 12pm on Friday 21st December, were delayed for a couple of hours at the Eurotunnel terminal, then made our way through France, the Pyrenees, and the north of Spain. It took 23 hours from door to door, with only a handful of brief stops to get vehicle fuel and human fuel. Petrol and food, senor.

Whilst in Spain I ate a lot of ham, and various other things. I went to my Brother's band's first gig, which was pretty good. I took a lot of photos at various locales (the port, the centre of Valencia, the mountainous countryside). It was a nice couple of weeks, but it's good to get back to my own bed and catch up on some sleep.

One night in Spain I was ill, I had eaten something that didn't quite agree with me. I filled the toilet with red wine.