The Life of (br)Ian

We have a new member in our team at work. I am considering indulging in some friendly hazing shenanigans with this newbie. We're not going to wrap him in a duvet and hit him about the face and neck with socks filled with coins. No, this will be something far less severe, but no less psychologically punishing. Here are some ideas:

Offer to make him a cup of tea or coffee, then fill the hot brew with paper clips.

Adjust the level of his chair in small increments every time he leaves his desk. Eventually he'll be sat really high up and will hopefully resemble an office-bound Ronnie Corbett.

Attach drawing pins to the underside of his telephone handset.

Replace the screensaver/desktop wallpaper on his PC with a picture of Gary Glitter in drag.

Pritt stick every document on his desk together so that when he picks up one sheet of paper, he picks up all of them.

Set up an email rule on his PC to send important communications from various members of staff to the junk mail folder.

Sign him up for all sorts of weird herbal remedies and penis enlargement drugs online.

Black out all the dates on his desk calendar.

Swap his chocolate bourbons for Bonio.

Ring his phone from different workstations throughout the day.

Lock his belongings in his desk and throw away the key.

Unplug his keyboard and mouse on the hour, every hour.

Change his Internet homepage to www.ilovekittens.com.

Cover his monitor in cling film.

List all his stationery on eBay.

Put his security pass in the CD tray of his PC.

Hook up a wireless keyboard to his PC and type words at random whilst he is composing emails to customers.

M People. Rubbish. All their songs sounded the same; like The Lighthouse Family. But that's not why we're here, no no no. This is what I'm on about today:

Desk Move

Over the weekend, some people came into our work building and moved everything around. My team and I have been forced to move to the opposite side of the building. As if this wasn't bad enough, they have also jigged our seating plan a fair bit. I was just getting used to my desk, getting on well with my immediate colleagues, when they decided to throw the proverbial curve ball and move us all around. None of us appreciate our new desks, for a multitude of reasons.

First off, I'm facing away from everything. I have to crane my neck to look around and make sure no one is sneaking up on me. I also have no attractive ladies in my line of sight, it's a real bugbear.

Secondly, the girl I'm now sitting next to doesn't understand me. She just doesn't get my jokes, and the fact that I'm only serious about 0.00001% of the time. I can see a formal complaint being logged against me, because I know that I'm going to say something that'll get taken out of context and used against me.

Thirdly, one of my desk drawers is completely ruined. I tried to open it earlier and the contents nearly spilled out in all directions. I opened up another drawer and found there to be a sticky substance, the likes of which you've never seen. It's like someone had spit Hubba Bubba all over the shop.

Finally, there are no attractive ladies in my line of sight. It's the main cause of my frustrations.

On a more improved note, I killed a wasp earlier. It was a right bloodbath. I chucked his crushed carcass out of the window, and there was much rejoicing.

So after a harsh introduction to my roomie for the next 4 days, I was understandably keen to get as far away from him as was possible. Unfortunate then that we had to share a room. He snored like you wouldn't believe, keeping me awake for most of the night each night.

However, there was a slight turn up for the books when he came in to the room at around 4am one morning, looking slightly worse for the wear. As he had just woken me up by slamming the door, I decided to keep an eye open in case he tried to touch me. He sat on the end of his bed and bent down to take his shoes off. He gave up on this quite quickly and fell backwards, feet still on the floor at the foot of the bed, and passed out almost instantaneously. Exactly an hour later his phone went off. He stood up and tried to send a text message. He lost his balance and tumbled straight into the wall, smacking his head first on the wall then on the floor. I somehow managed to stifle my laughter at his stupidity. In the morning he said to me "Did you hear me fall over in the night?". I smirked and said "Yeah, I seem to recall you falling over in spectacular fashion". What a tit.

So the rest of the holiday involved a fair bit of sightseeing. We visited the other hotels/casinos and soaked up the tackiness that was on offer. We saw David Copperfield perform some ridiculous tricks that still have me baffled. We went to the Grand Canyon and got lost, ending up all alone at the bottom of the Canyon. We eventually found the right way and saw it properly. We tried our hands at blackjack and ended up losing. We stuck to video poker after this, which proved a lot more successful.

Then we came home and I experienced the worst jet lag I've ever had.

I do apologise for the two months, avec change, since the last written summary of my doings. I have been busy in this time, here is some of one of the many things that I done.

At the beginning of July I got on a plane to Las Vegas, Nevada, US of A, Earth. The trip was a birthday celebration for one of my Father's friends, a man called Gary. Now then, one of Gary's friends was unable to take part in the trip, so my Father suggested that I go in this stranger's place. Well, I was pleased as punch. The only downside was that I had to share a room with this strange middle-aged man by the nickname of Acker. "It's no great hardship", I thought to myself, "I'll be alright"...

After a 9 hour flight, we touched down in Las Vegas (which is Spanish for "The Meadows") in blistering 40 degree celsius heat. Wowsers! So we got a taxi from the airport to the hotel. The cabbie introduced himself and Jack. Jack was 75 years old if he was a day. Jack talked a good deal of the way en route to the hotel. At one point we were heading along the freeway at about 60mph when this tosser in a gold Merc pulled out without signalling and forced Jack into a lifesaving swerve. How he managed to miss the guy's car was a complete mystery to me, I thought I was a goner. I thought we was all goners. I remember thinking "Great, we've been here for ten minutes and I'm about to die in the back of a cab that's seen better days with a guy talking incessantly about how if you 'use' a non-licensed prostitute, your knob will fall off". It's the kind of death I would associate with someone of lower moral fibre, perhaps Pete Doherty.

So we've just avoided this crash by the skin of our collective teeth. The cock ring driving the Merc comes swaggering out of his car, inspecting the level of damage. There was no damage, but for some reason Jackie boy claimed that his wing mirror had taken a knock. The other yank was a douche, man. I won't go into it, but he nearly ended up taking a punch from my Dad.

Jack says "I have to phone this in fellas", which is fair enough. What isn't fair is that Jack isn't allowed to take us any further, he has to wait for his cab company to come out and inspect the vehicle. Shaken and angry, we are forced to flag down a couple of taxis from the side of the busy freeway. While this is going on, Jack turns to me:

"That'll be $10".
"What for?" I say, confused.
"For the ride, man" comes the reply.
"We're not at the fucking hotel, Jack. We're standing by the side of a busy road in scorching heat; fuck off, you're not getting a penny out of me". I shout as I'm clambering into the second taxi of the afternoon.

So we finally got to the hotel and checked in. This Acker geezer tries to play dumb and pretend he's sharing with someone else. Fuck you, buddy. We set the record straight and go up to our room to put our stuff away. I have my first slash in Vegas and come out of the bathroom to witness a partially undressed 57-year old gorilla man standing in my way. "Just gonna have a shower". Yeah, alright, do what you have to do, weirdo. So I take a seat to bend down and do my shoelaces up. As I glance up, I catch sight of this Acker fellow fully disrobed, standing there with his tiny old man cock winking back at me. I shot my head back down and pretended that I didn't just see what I thought I just saw. "Just gonna have a shower then" he says. I keep my head down and stammer "Y-y-y-yeah, o-ok...".

I'm still trying to figure out what is more harrowing: Narrowly avoiding certain death in a speeding car, or seeing the shrivelled up penis of an overweight, middle-aged, hairy alcoholic whom you've known for all of 5 minutes.