I do apologise for the two months, avec change, since the last written summary of my doings. I have been busy in this time, here is some of one of the many things that I done.
At the beginning of July I got on a plane to Las Vegas, Nevada, US of A, Earth. The trip was a birthday celebration for one of my Father's friends, a man called Gary. Now then, one of Gary's friends was unable to take part in the trip, so my Father suggested that I go in this stranger's place. Well, I was pleased as punch. The only downside was that I had to share a room with this strange middle-aged man by the nickname of Acker. "It's no great hardship", I thought to myself, "I'll be alright"...
After a 9 hour flight, we touched down in Las Vegas (which is Spanish for "The Meadows") in blistering 40 degree celsius heat. Wowsers! So we got a taxi from the airport to the hotel. The cabbie introduced himself and Jack. Jack was 75 years old if he was a day. Jack talked a good deal of the way en route to the hotel. At one point we were heading along the freeway at about 60mph when this tosser in a gold Merc pulled out without signalling and forced Jack into a lifesaving swerve. How he managed to miss the guy's car was a complete mystery to me, I thought I was a goner. I thought we was all goners. I remember thinking "Great, we've been here for ten minutes and I'm about to die in the back of a cab that's seen better days with a guy talking incessantly about how if you 'use' a non-licensed prostitute, your knob will fall off". It's the kind of death I would associate with someone of lower moral fibre, perhaps Pete Doherty.
So we've just avoided this crash by the skin of our collective teeth. The cock ring driving the Merc comes swaggering out of his car, inspecting the level of damage. There was no damage, but for some reason Jackie boy claimed that his wing mirror had taken a knock. The other yank was a douche, man. I won't go into it, but he nearly ended up taking a punch from my Dad.
Jack says "I have to phone this in fellas", which is fair enough. What isn't fair is that Jack isn't allowed to take us any further, he has to wait for his cab company to come out and inspect the vehicle. Shaken and angry, we are forced to flag down a couple of taxis from the side of the busy freeway. While this is going on, Jack turns to me:
"That'll be $10".
"What for?" I say, confused.
"For the ride, man" comes the reply.
"We're not at the fucking hotel, Jack. We're standing by the side of a busy road in scorching heat; fuck off, you're not getting a penny out of me". I shout as I'm clambering into the second taxi of the afternoon.
So we finally got to the hotel and checked in. This Acker geezer tries to play dumb and pretend he's sharing with someone else. Fuck you, buddy. We set the record straight and go up to our room to put our stuff away. I have my first slash in Vegas and come out of the bathroom to witness a partially undressed 57-year old gorilla man standing in my way. "Just gonna have a shower". Yeah, alright, do what you have to do, weirdo. So I take a seat to bend down and do my shoelaces up. As I glance up, I catch sight of this Acker fellow fully disrobed, standing there with his tiny old man cock winking back at me. I shot my head back down and pretended that I didn't just see what I thought I just saw. "Just gonna have a shower then" he says. I keep my head down and stammer "Y-y-y-yeah, o-ok...".
I'm still trying to figure out what is more harrowing: Narrowly avoiding certain death in a speeding car, or seeing the shrivelled up penis of an overweight, middle-aged, hairy alcoholic whom you've known for all of 5 minutes.
