Oh, it's you, is it? I didn't see you there. Come in, come in, you're standing in the shadow of the doorway. Come in and sit by the fire. Come in and give me your pretty little face. Oooh, you've been in the wars! What's this scratch on your right cheek? A shaving cut? You fell into a door? You slipped whilst buttering your toast? I don't believe you, I'm calling social services. That's the last time your evil grandfather locks you under the stairs. We're going to have his guts for garters.

So... I went to Spain at the weekend. I flew out on Saturday afternoon, departing London Gatwick (LGW) at 14:00 hours GMT and arriving at Valencia (VLC) at 17:30 hours CET. I was slightly hungover, which was a personal first within the realm of aviation. In fact, it was only the second time that I had flown on my own. I used to have a slight fear of flying, but I'm ok now. I'm a shining example of someone who has overcome their fear.

I flew with Easyjet. It really is easy, they no lie. I took only hand luggage, so I printed out my boarding card from the interweb, walked straight through security, and plonked myself down on a bench for a spell. I then walked around the shops, but found nothing of real interest. I spent a great deal of time in the book shop, but again, no gems were unearthed here.

The gate was announced just ten (10) minutes before the flight was due to depart, so we had already incurred something of a delay. I had purchased this little wonder called "Speedy Boarding". Let me tell you how it work. It work because Easyjet don't allocate seat numbers upon check in. It's a veritable free-for-all. Luckily, as I was travelling alone, I had no recourse to capture seats for other passengers travelling with me. "Speedy Boarding" gets you onto the plane first so that you can grab your preferred seat(s). I like the ones with more leg-room, but these were all taken by actual disabled people. They needed them more than I did, so I was happy to let it slide. I even did so with a smile.

Yes, so when I arrived at the gate, it was the smallest room I have ever seen. Imagine trying to cram 300 people into a garden shed. Yeah, exactly, get out. When they announced the speedy boarders, this man next to me shot up out of his chair and started going "Excuse me excuse me excuse me" at me. "Excuse yourself", I said, "For I am a speedy boarder also". He had no riposte. "Good" I said. As I walked to the plane I kept saying to fellow SB's (that's what we call each other in the biz) "This speedy boarding is really something special". This annoyed the "Excuse me" man no end. Hah.

The flight was good. I read a copy of FHM and a copy of Stuff, all the while listening to my iPod. MyPod. I had this really fat woman next to me who was clearly practicing "Elbows 2000". Elbows 2000 is when you stick your elbows right out when sat in close proximity to others. This restricts the movement of the adjacent people. It's quite annoying. She was also coughing and sneezing. At one point I muttered "Great, I'm going to get a cold". She heard this, but did nothing to atone for her conduct thus far.

The thing that annoys me about plane travel is that people just don't listen to the air crew. As soon as the plane lands, people are taking off their seat belts and standing up, trying to get their luggage out. I always make a point of getting in front of these lumbering wrecks and walking really slowly off the plane. This sort of behaviour would wind up Ghandi.

As I took only hand luggage, I breezed right through the baggage hall, laughing maniacally and rubbing my hands together. I even said aloud "Tsk tsk, all those baggies... Sayonara, suckers!". It was so easy. Thanks, Easyjet, for making it so easy for me to berate other people in relative comfort and style.