The Life of (br)Ian

I'm just going to go over some of the events of the weekend. Join me, if you will, for a recap.

Friday:

After work I walked to the train station in Reigate and got the train into Redhill. When I got to the station I went to the ticket machine to get my return ticket. It was only 10p more expensive than a single fare, so I figured "Hey, why not?". Why not indeed. I just like to be covered for every eventuality. As it would transpire, I didn't need the return ticket, but it was nice to have that little extra security. You know what I mean? I think you do.

So I got to the ticket machine with 5 minutes to spare. I had checked the train times online before setting off and decided to get the 18:06 train. As it was 18:01 by the time I arrived, I was anxious to get my ticket and cross under the rails (via the subway) to get to platform 2. To my dismay, there were two middle aged ladies trying to use the machine when I arrived. They were entirely useless, pressing all manner of buttons and getting it wrong each time. I couldn't be bothered to help, instead choosing to stand there looking thoroughly cheesed off. By the time they had finished it was 18:05. Being an adept user of ticket machines, I finalised my fare in roughly 10 seconds and paid with the exact coinage. I then made my way to platform 2 (via the subway).

The train ended up being late by 15 minutes. It was a bit of an inconvenience, but not really. I got to Rileys Snooker & Pool Emporium at 18:25 and met up with Rob, Bruno and Ede. They were playing one of those golf games with the ball that you spin. It ends up really hurting your hand. When they finished their 9 hole tournament, I joined in. "I always win at these" said Rob. Rob didn't win. At one point he was at the jukebox putting some tunes on, so Bruno and I turned his golfer round 180 degrees so that he was facing away from the green. When Rob came back he adjudged the situation and said "Hmmm, looks like I'll need the driver". He then proceeded to smack the ball 190 yards in the opposite direction. Well, Bruno and I fell about laughing. I'd like to say that the whole shenanigan cost Rob the match, but it didn't. He was rather crap.

I won the tournament, finished 4 under par. The next closest rival was Bruno, who finished 1 under par. Well convincing. This is a picture of a similar machine:

After we had finished at Rileys, we got some food and went back to Rob's to watch "Dumb & Dumber". When it finished Bruno dropped me home and that was the end of that.

Saturday:

Woke up at 11am and had cheesy beans on toast. This is my new favourite. I ate this whilst watching the final part of "Soccer AM". Again, this is my favourite part. I watched from Showboat onwards, encompassing Skill School, Rome and Crossbar Challenge. Wicked. I then had a shower and played a new Xbox 360 game called "Left 4 Dead". It's a zombie game, and I love zombies. After this I played some "PES 2009", then went round to Bruno's to watch United and Villa duke it out. It was a really boring match, and I left about 8-ish. I got home and ordered a bit of curry from Lal Akash, which I picked up and consumed around 9:30pm. I debated going back to Bruno's to watch the boxing, but thought better of it and ended up going to bed around midnight.

Sunday:

Tried to get into Crawley to do a bit of shopping for the festive season with my parents. Every car park had miles of traffic queueing up to get it. We conceded defeat and popped into Redhill. They had some event going on in the shopping centre, and I saw a Daniel Craig lookalike. It was as if Daniel Craig got hooked on skag and stopped washing, uncanny. I bought "Loco Roco 2" for the PSP, then we pretty much left. That's right, just walked out.

When I got home I watched some "Family Guy" (Season 7, yeah?), played more "Left 4 Dead" and "PES2009", then chilled out with some roasted dinner and a touch of sticky toffee pudding. Tasty. I then watched a bit more TV and went to bed around 10:30pm, prepared for the ensuing week.

I hope you had fun reading about the fun I had. Now pack your bags and get out of here, right.

Roadworks down my road at the moment. During "peak" hours they are operating a system of traffic lights. Oh, what a lark! Therefore, my time of departure for work each day has had to be amended to ensure I experience less inconvenience. This worked just fine for a couple of days, but on Wednesday I encountered a severe backlog of traffic.

As I pulled out of my driveway, I saw the stream of traffic backed up almost all the way to my house. This observation was followed by some very quick thinking, and I decided to deviate from my usual route. I didn't have much time to react as the turning off of the well beaten track was approaching fast.

I flipped the indicator to the left and took the corner with utmost urgency, laughing as I did so. You see, in the forefront of my mind was the possibility that other drivers would see me emerge further on down the road, free from the confines of traffic whilst they sat there motionless. What fun.

As I continued along on my revised route, the path less travelled, I grinned and chuckled as I flew over the speed bumps with frivolity. I was so pleased with myself, really I was. And as I merged back onto the main road I shot a glance back up the road at the chumps who lacked the foresight to take my new route. I made it in to work in great time, so I have taken this route every day since; and I will continue to do this every day until the roadworks are all gone.

Here is my route in diagrammatical form. Ingest it:

It's Children In Need day today. In our office there are balloons, posters, and people wearing yellow items of clothing. Sure, some people have yellow socks, some have yellow shoes; but I have a yellow sweater on. For the people who couldn't muster a yellow garment, they have instead opted for spotted material. It's just nice to be able to dress down a bit on a Friday, and it's for a good cause. It's not like we're all wearing yellow to save the cats and dogs. Oh, cats and dogs are dying, we have to save them. No we don't, they'll be fine, let's worry about the kids.

So I bought this jumper yesterday. Went into Redhill with the express interest of picking up a yellow tie. You see, the office is warm at the moment, mainly because women get cold easier than men. So I thought to myself "No, I won't get a jumper, it'll be too warm". But I couldn't find a yellow tie, so a cardigan had to suffice. It's acrylic, apparently. I don't even know what that means. What do you mean?!

So today I wear it. I have, underneath, a red polo shirt. I've garnished this with blue jeans and a pair of Adidas Sambas in white and red. I do have underwear on, but I'm saving myself for marriage. I don't kiss and tell.

So that's it for the office shenanigans. We played bingo, but I won't go into it. Read about it over at Steven Paul Allen's blog of evil: http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/need-bingo-5035295. I will leave you with a little story though, enjoy it.

Virtually Reality

When I was fairly young, probably around 8, Virtual Reality was becoming a hot property. I recall going to the Piccadilly Trocadero with my Dad and Brother once and they had some Virtual Reality games available for use. It was extortionate, about £5 for a go. You had to put on this VR helmet that made you look like a ridiculous version of Gordie from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Imagine Gordie if he was a hammerhead shark. It was really quite silly to look at.

So I stepped up, paid my £5, and strapped on my VR helmet. Because each helmet cost about £1million, you had to have a guy standing next to you, making sure you used it properly and didn't break anything. Once the helmet was secured, the guy handed me a controller stick; it resembled a flight controller, and was apparently motion sensitive. Years ahead of it's time, and the Wii has only just caught up. The game was something to do with this guy getting harangued by a pterodactyl, and the floor looked like a chessboard or kitchen floor. It was strange. Within 10 seconds I was dactyl food. After respawning, I spent another 5 seconds rooted to the spot before the flying bastard swooped down and made brunch out of me.

The guy standing beside me sensed that I was struggling to fathom the controls, so he said "Hold down the button on top, then move the stick forward, then your character will move". Immediately I held down the button and thrust the stick forward through the air. The character on the screen moved slightly, but it felt like something had stopped my controller from moving, so I pulled it back in and barrelled it forwards again...

Once again, the stick had hit something, so I lifted up my helmet to see what was going on. The bloke was standing there rubbing his forehead and looking really pissed off. I had hit him smack bang in the middle of his forehead. Not once, but twice. I wasn't allowed back on the game after that.