http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/Perhaps my best years are gone. When there was a chance of happiness. But I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now.en-UKhttp://backend.userland.com/rss092http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/e6/0f5b6f9eee3e5f0b9e322bb2063f2b_160x200.jpg <p>I realise it's been a very long time since any sort of update has been put in this record of my day-to-day life. I'm not upset, it's just that I've been busy.</p> <p>Some things that have happened in the last few months:</p> <p>Moved house<br> Got promoted<br> Twisted my ankle</p> <p>What I really want to talk to you about, and I'm sure you'll listen, is a fairly new phenomenon that has started to happen to me. Here, let me get that for you:</p> <p>As I have now moved house, my drive to work has increased in length by approximately 400%. It used to take me 5 Earth minutes to get from point A to point B. Now it takes roughly 20 minutes from point A to point B; but I must concede that I have been blessed with little traffic thus far. I can see it getting longer.</p> <p>As a result of my drive having been lengthened, the incidence rate for mishaps has also increased. I have to deal with not one, not two, not three, but actually three roundabouts on my way into work. Two of these are equipped with traffic lights in order to usher you through. However, one of them does not have any lights whatsoever.</p> <p>This troublesome little tyke has three roads coming off of it, in a sort of triangular fashion. I have to take the second exit, which is where I start to experience this problem that I have... Whenever I pull out onto this roundabout, someone always pulls across in front of me. It doesn't matter how fast I am travelling, someone will always do it. It's very dangerous, very annoying, and very dangerous. It leads me to believe that perhaps my car is invisible when viewed from a certain angle, such is the frequency of this occurrence.</p> <p>And it doesn't stop there. It happened to me twice at lunch today, and this was a completely different roundabout altogether. I also recently drove down to Plymouth for a weekend excursion and it happened countless times. </p> <p>It really gets my goat, you know? I put it down to the fact that no one understands the rules of the road any more. Come on, Government, pull your finger out and send everyone a copy of the highway code, then at least I can have a nice trouble-free sojourn to work every now and then. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/risky-roundabouts-6016980/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/risky-roundabouts-6016980/Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:35:52 +0200 <p>I'm just going to go over some of the events of the weekend. Join me, if you will, for a recap.</p> <p>Friday:</p> <p>After work I walked to the train station in Reigate and got the train into Redhill. When I got to the station I went to the ticket machine to get my return ticket. It was only 10p more expensive than a single fare, so I figured "Hey, why not?". Why not indeed. I just like to be covered for every eventuality. As it would transpire, I didn't need the return ticket, but it was nice to have that little extra security. You know what I mean? I think you do.</p> <p>So I got to the ticket machine with 5 minutes to spare. I had checked the train times online before setting off and decided to get the 18:06 train. As it was 18:01 by the time I arrived, I was anxious to get my ticket and cross under the rails (via the subway) to get to platform 2. To my dismay, there were two middle aged ladies trying to use the machine when I arrived. They were entirely useless, pressing all manner of buttons and getting it wrong each time. I couldn't be bothered to help, instead choosing to stand there looking thoroughly cheesed off. By the time they had finished it was 18:05. Being an adept user of ticket machines, I finalised my fare in roughly 10 seconds and paid with the exact coinage. I then made my way to platform 2 (via the subway).</p> <p>The train ended up being late by 15 minutes. It was a bit of an inconvenience, but not really. I got to Rileys Snooker & Pool Emporium at 18:25 and met up with Rob, Bruno and Ede. They were playing one of those golf games with the ball that you spin. It ends up really hurting your hand. When they finished their 9 hole tournament, I joined in. "I always win at these" said Rob. Rob didn't win. At one point he was at the jukebox putting some tunes on, so Bruno and I turned his golfer round 180 degrees so that he was facing away from the green. When Rob came back he adjudged the situation and said "Hmmm, looks like I'll need the driver". He then proceeded to smack the ball 190 yards in the opposite direction. Well, Bruno and I fell about laughing. I'd like to say that the whole shenanigan cost Rob the match, but it didn't. He was rather crap.</p> <p>I won the tournament, finished 4 under par. The next closest rival was Bruno, who finished 1 under par. Well convincing. This is a picture of a similar machine:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Challenge this"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/632/3013632_6b9ebe03ad_m.jpg" alt="Challenge this" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>After we had finished at Rileys, we got some food and went back to Rob's to watch "Dumb & Dumber". When it finished Bruno dropped me home and that was the end of that.</p> <p>Saturday:</p> <p>Woke up at 11am and had cheesy beans on toast. This is my new favourite. I ate this whilst watching the final part of "Soccer AM". Again, this is my favourite part. I watched from Showboat onwards, encompassing Skill School, Rome and Crossbar Challenge. Wicked. I then had a shower and played a new Xbox 360 game called "Left 4 Dead". It's a zombie game, and I love zombies. After this I played some "PES 2009", then went round to Bruno's to watch United and Villa duke it out. It was a really boring match, and I left about 8-ish. I got home and ordered a bit of curry from Lal Akash, which I picked up and consumed around 9:30pm. I debated going back to Bruno's to watch the boxing, but thought better of it and ended up going to bed around midnight.</p> <p>Sunday:</p> <p>Tried to get into Crawley to do a bit of shopping for the festive season with my parents. Every car park had miles of traffic queueing up to get it. We conceded defeat and popped into Redhill. They had some event going on in the shopping centre, and I saw a Daniel Craig lookalike. It was as if Daniel Craig got hooked on skag and stopped washing, uncanny. I bought "Loco Roco 2" for the PSP, then we pretty much left. That's right, just walked out.</p> <p>When I got home I watched some "Family Guy" (Season 7, yeah?), played more "Left 4 Dead" and "PES2009", then chilled out with some roasted dinner and a touch of sticky toffee pudding. Tasty. I then watched a bit more TV and went to bed around 10:30pm, prepared for the ensuing week.</p> <p>I hope you had fun reading about the fun I had. Now pack your bags and get out of here, right. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/24/they-didn-t-know-how-to-use-a-bloody-ticket-machine-5098170/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/24/they-didn-t-know-how-to-use-a-bloody-ticket-machine-5098170/Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:26:59 +0100 <p>Roadworks down my road at the moment. During "peak" hours they are operating a system of traffic lights. Oh, what a lark! Therefore, my time of departure for work each day has had to be amended to ensure I experience less inconvenience. This worked just fine for a couple of days, but on Wednesday I encountered a severe backlog of traffic. </p> <p>As I pulled out of my driveway, I saw the stream of traffic backed up almost all the way to my house. This observation was followed by some very quick thinking, and I decided to deviate from my usual route. I didn't have much time to react as the turning off of the well beaten track was approaching fast. </p> <p>I flipped the indicator to the left and took the corner with utmost urgency, laughing as I did so. You see, in the forefront of my mind was the possibility that other drivers would see me emerge further on down the road, free from the confines of traffic whilst they sat there motionless. What fun.</p> <p>As I continued along on my revised route, the path less travelled, I grinned and chuckled as I flew over the speed bumps with frivolity. I was so pleased with myself, really I was. And as I merged back onto the main road I shot a glance back up the road at the chumps who lacked the foresight to take my new route. I made it in to work in great time, so I have taken this route every day since; and I will continue to do this every day until the roadworks are all gone.</p> <p>Here is my route in diagrammatical form. Ingest it:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Routemaster 500 - The Route Of Kings"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/177/3005177_49bd0a451f_m.jpg" alt="Routemaster 500 - The Route Of Kings" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/21/never-play-a-wookie-at-chess-he-ll-rip-your-arms-off-5075619/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/21/never-play-a-wookie-at-chess-he-ll-rip-your-arms-off-5075619/Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:15:32 +0100 <p>It's Children In Need day today. In our office there are balloons, posters, and people wearing yellow items of clothing. Sure, some people have yellow socks, some have yellow shoes; but I have a yellow sweater on. For the people who couldn't muster a yellow garment, they have instead opted for spotted material. It's just nice to be able to dress down a bit on a Friday, and it's for a good cause. It's not like we're all wearing yellow to save the cats and dogs. Oh, cats and dogs are dying, we have to save them. No we don't, they'll be fine, let's worry about the kids.</p> <p>So I bought this jumper yesterday. Went into Redhill with the express interest of picking up a yellow tie. You see, the office is warm at the moment, mainly because women get cold easier than men. So I thought to myself "No, I won't get a jumper, it'll be too warm". But I couldn't find a yellow tie, so a cardigan had to suffice. It's acrylic, apparently. I don't even know what that means. What do you mean?!</p> <p>So today I wear it. I have, underneath, a red polo shirt. I've garnished this with blue jeans and a pair of Adidas Sambas in white and red. I do have underwear on, but I'm saving myself for marriage. I don't kiss and tell.</p> <p>So that's it for the office shenanigans. We played bingo, but I won't go into it. Read about it over at Steven Paul Allen's blog of evil: <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/need-bingo-5035295.">http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/need-bingo-5035295.</a> I will leave you with a little story though, enjoy it.</p> <p><strong>Virtually Reality</strong></p> <p>When I was fairly young, probably around 8, Virtual Reality was becoming a hot property. I recall going to the Piccadilly Trocadero with my Dad and Brother once and they had some Virtual Reality games available for use. It was extortionate, about £5 for a go. You had to put on this VR helmet that made you look like a ridiculous version of Gordie from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Imagine Gordie if he was a hammerhead shark. It was really quite silly to look at.</p> <p>So I stepped up, paid my £5, and strapped on my VR helmet. Because each helmet cost about £1million, you had to have a guy standing next to you, making sure you used it properly and didn't break anything. Once the helmet was secured, the guy handed me a controller stick; it resembled a flight controller, and was apparently motion sensitive. Years ahead of it's time, and the Wii has only just caught up. The game was something to do with this guy getting harangued by a pterodactyl, and the floor looked like a chessboard or kitchen floor. It was strange. Within 10 seconds I was dactyl food. After respawning, I spent another 5 seconds rooted to the spot before the flying bastard swooped down and made brunch out of me.</p> <p>The guy standing beside me sensed that I was struggling to fathom the controls, so he said "Hold down the button on top, then move the stick forward, then your character will move". Immediately I held down the button and thrust the stick forward through the air. The character on the screen moved slightly, but it felt like something had stopped my controller from moving, so I pulled it back in and barrelled it forwards again...</p> <p>Once again, the stick had hit something, so I lifted up my helmet to see what was going on. The bloke was standing there rubbing his forehead and looking really pissed off. I had hit him smack bang in the middle of his forehead. Not once, but twice. I wasn't allowed back on the game after that. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/yellow-fever-5035507/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/yellow-fever-5035507/Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:27:41 +0100 <p>Oh, it's you, is it? I didn't see you there. Come in, come in, you're standing in the shadow of the doorway. Come in and sit by the fire. Come in and give me your pretty little face. Oooh, you've been in the wars! What's this scratch on your right cheek? A shaving cut? You fell into a door? You slipped whilst buttering your toast? I don't believe you, I'm calling social services. That's the last time your evil grandfather locks you under the stairs. We're going to have his guts for garters.</p> <p>So... I went to Spain at the weekend. I flew out on Saturday afternoon, departing London Gatwick (LGW) at 14:00 hours GMT and arriving at Valencia (VLC) at 17:30 hours CET. I was slightly hungover, which was a personal first within the realm of aviation. In fact, it was only the second time that I had flown on my own. I used to have a slight fear of flying, but I'm ok now. I'm a shining example of someone who has overcome their fear.</p> <p>I flew with Easyjet. It really is easy, they no lie. I took only hand luggage, so I printed out my boarding card from the interweb, walked straight through security, and plonked myself down on a bench for a spell. I then walked around the shops, but found nothing of real interest. I spent a great deal of time in the book shop, but again, no gems were unearthed here.</p> <p>The gate was announced just ten (10) minutes before the flight was due to depart, so we had already incurred something of a delay. I had purchased this little wonder called "Speedy Boarding". Let me tell you how it work. It work because Easyjet don't allocate seat numbers upon check in. It's a veritable free-for-all. Luckily, as I was travelling alone, I had no recourse to capture seats for other passengers travelling with me. "Speedy Boarding" gets you onto the plane first so that you can grab your preferred seat(s). I like the ones with more leg-room, but these were all taken by actual disabled people. They needed them more than I did, so I was happy to let it slide. I even did so with a smile.</p> <p>Yes, so when I arrived at the gate, it was the smallest room I have ever seen. Imagine trying to cram 300 people into a garden shed. Yeah, exactly, get out. When they announced the speedy boarders, this man next to me shot up out of his chair and started going "Excuse me excuse me excuse me" at me. "Excuse yourself", I said, "For I am a speedy boarder also". He had no riposte. "Good" I said. As I walked to the plane I kept saying to fellow SB's (that's what we call each other in the biz) "This speedy boarding is really something special". This annoyed the "Excuse me" man no end. Hah.</p> <p>The flight was good. I read a copy of FHM and a copy of Stuff, all the while listening to my iPod. MyPod. I had this really fat woman next to me who was clearly practicing "Elbows 2000". Elbows 2000 is when you stick your elbows right out when sat in close proximity to others. This restricts the movement of the adjacent people. It's quite annoying. She was also coughing and sneezing. At one point I muttered "Great, I'm going to get a cold". She heard this, but did nothing to atone for her conduct thus far.</p> <p>The thing that annoys me about plane travel is that people just don't listen to the air crew. As soon as the plane lands, people are taking off their seat belts and standing up, trying to get their luggage out. I always make a point of getting in front of these lumbering wrecks and walking really slowly off the plane. This sort of behaviour would wind up Ghandi.</p> <p>As I took only hand luggage, I breezed right through the baggage hall, laughing maniacally and rubbing my hands together. I even said aloud "Tsk tsk, all those baggies... Sayonara, suckers!". It was so easy. Thanks, Easyjet, for making it so easy for me to berate other people in relative comfort and style. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/09/12/espana-in-the-works-4718093/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/09/12/espana-in-the-works-4718093/Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:31:33 +0200 <p>We have a new member in our team at work. I am considering indulging in some friendly hazing shenanigans with this newbie. We're not going to wrap him in a duvet and hit him about the face and neck with socks filled with coins. No, this will be something far less severe, but no less psychologically punishing. Here are some ideas:</p> <p>Offer to make him a cup of tea or coffee, then fill the hot brew with paper clips.</p> <p>Adjust the level of his chair in small increments every time he leaves his desk. Eventually he'll be sat really high up and will hopefully resemble an office-bound Ronnie Corbett.</p> <p>Attach drawing pins to the underside of his telephone handset.</p> <p>Replace the screensaver/desktop wallpaper on his PC with a picture of Gary Glitter in drag.</p> <p>Pritt stick every document on his desk together so that when he picks up one sheet of paper, he picks up all of them.</p> <p>Set up an email rule on his PC to send important communications from various members of staff to the junk mail folder.</p> <p>Sign him up for all sorts of weird herbal remedies and penis enlargement drugs online.</p> <p>Black out all the dates on his desk calendar.</p> <p>Swap his chocolate bourbons for Bonio.</p> <p>Ring his phone from different workstations throughout the day.</p> <p>Lock his belongings in his desk and throw away the key.</p> <p>Unplug his keyboard and mouse on the hour, every hour.</p> <p>Change his Internet homepage to <a href="http://www.ilovekittens.com.">www.ilovekittens.com.</a></p> <p>Cover his monitor in cling film.</p> <p>List all his stationery on eBay.</p> <p>Put his security pass in the CD tray of his PC.</p> <p>Hook up a wireless keyboard to his PC and type words at random whilst he is composing emails to customers. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/20/crazing-for-a-hazing-4613679/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/20/crazing-for-a-hazing-4613679/Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:01:46 +0200 <p>M People. Rubbish. All their songs sounded the same; like The Lighthouse Family. But that's not why we're here, no no no. This is what I'm on about today:</p> <p>Desk Move</p> <p>Over the weekend, some people came into our work building and moved everything around. My team and I have been forced to move to the opposite side of the building. As if this wasn't bad enough, they have also jigged our seating plan a fair bit. I was just getting used to my desk, getting on well with my immediate colleagues, when they decided to throw the proverbial curve ball and move us all around. None of us appreciate our new desks, for a multitude of reasons.</p> <p>First off, I'm facing away from everything. I have to crane my neck to look around and make sure no one is sneaking up on me. I also have no attractive ladies in my line of sight, it's a real bugbear.</p> <p>Secondly, the girl I'm now sitting next to doesn't understand me. She just doesn't get my jokes, and the fact that I'm only serious about 0.00001% of the time. I can see a formal complaint being logged against me, because I know that I'm going to say something that'll get taken out of context and used against me.</p> <p>Thirdly, one of my desk drawers is completely ruined. I tried to open it earlier and the contents nearly spilled out in all directions. I opened up another drawer and found there to be a sticky substance, the likes of which you've never seen. It's like someone had spit Hubba Bubba all over the shop.</p> <p>Finally, there are no attractive ladies in my line of sight. It's the main cause of my frustrations.</p> <p>On a more improved note, I killed a wasp earlier. It was a right bloodbath. I chucked his crushed carcass out of the window, and there was much rejoicing. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/11/moving-on-up-4572119/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/11/moving-on-up-4572119/Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:55:43 +0200 <p>So after a harsh introduction to my roomie for the next 4 days, I was understandably keen to get as far away from him as was possible. Unfortunate then that we had to share a room. He snored like you wouldn't believe, keeping me awake for most of the night each night. </p> <p>However, there was a slight turn up for the books when he came in to the room at around 4am one morning, looking slightly worse for the wear. As he had just woken me up by slamming the door, I decided to keep an eye open in case he tried to touch me. He sat on the end of his bed and bent down to take his shoes off. He gave up on this quite quickly and fell backwards, feet still on the floor at the foot of the bed, and passed out almost instantaneously. Exactly an hour later his phone went off. He stood up and tried to send a text message. He lost his balance and tumbled straight into the wall, smacking his head first on the wall then on the floor. I somehow managed to stifle my laughter at his stupidity. In the morning he said to me "Did you hear me fall over in the night?". I smirked and said "Yeah, I seem to recall you falling over in spectacular fashion". What a tit.</p> <p>So the rest of the holiday involved a fair bit of sightseeing. We visited the other hotels/casinos and soaked up the tackiness that was on offer. We saw David Copperfield perform some ridiculous tricks that still have me baffled. We went to the Grand Canyon and got lost, ending up all alone at the bottom of the Canyon. We eventually found the right way and saw it properly. We tried our hands at blackjack and ended up losing. We stuck to video poker after this, which proved a lot more successful.</p> <p>Then we came home and I experienced the worst jet lag I've ever had. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/viva-4568743/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/viva-4568743/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:41:03 +0200 <p>I do apologise for the two months, avec change, since the last written summary of my doings. I have been busy in this time, here is some of one of the many things that I done.</p> <p>At the beginning of July I got on a plane to Las Vegas, Nevada, US of A, Earth. The trip was a birthday celebration for one of my Father's friends, a man called Gary. Now then, one of Gary's friends was unable to take part in the trip, so my Father suggested that I go in this stranger's place. Well, I was pleased as punch. The only downside was that I had to share a room with this strange middle-aged man by the nickname of Acker. "It's no great hardship", I thought to myself, "I'll be alright"...</p> <p>After a 9 hour flight, we touched down in Las Vegas (which is Spanish for "The Meadows") in blistering 40 degree celsius heat. Wowsers! So we got a taxi from the airport to the hotel. The cabbie introduced himself and Jack. Jack was 75 years old if he was a day. Jack talked a good deal of the way en route to the hotel. At one point we were heading along the freeway at about 60mph when this tosser in a gold Merc pulled out without signalling and forced Jack into a lifesaving swerve. How he managed to miss the guy's car was a complete mystery to me, I thought I was a goner. I thought we was all goners. I remember thinking "Great, we've been here for ten minutes and I'm about to die in the back of a cab that's seen better days with a guy talking incessantly about how if you 'use' a non-licensed prostitute, your knob will fall off". It's the kind of death I would associate with someone of lower moral fibre, perhaps Pete Doherty.</p> <p>So we've just avoided this crash by the skin of our collective teeth. The cock ring driving the Merc comes swaggering out of his car, inspecting the level of damage. There was no damage, but for some reason Jackie boy claimed that his wing mirror had taken a knock. The other yank was a douche, man. I won't go into it, but he nearly ended up taking a punch from my Dad. </p> <p>Jack says "I have to phone this in fellas", which is fair enough. What isn't fair is that Jack isn't allowed to take us any further, he has to wait for his cab company to come out and inspect the vehicle. Shaken and angry, we are forced to flag down a couple of taxis from the side of the busy freeway. While this is going on, Jack turns to me: </p> <p>"That'll be $10".<br> "What for?" I say, confused.<br> "For the ride, man" comes the reply.<br> "We're not at the fucking hotel, Jack. We're standing by the side of a busy road in scorching heat; fuck off, you're not getting a penny out of me". I shout as I'm clambering into the second taxi of the afternoon.</p> <p>So we finally got to the hotel and checked in. This Acker geezer tries to play dumb and pretend he's sharing with someone else. Fuck you, buddy. We set the record straight and go up to our room to put our stuff away. I have my first slash in Vegas and come out of the bathroom to witness a partially undressed 57-year old gorilla man standing in my way. "Just gonna have a shower". Yeah, alright, do what you have to do, weirdo. So I take a seat to bend down and do my shoelaces up. As I glance up, I catch sight of this Acker fellow fully disrobed, standing there with his tiny old man cock winking back at me. I shot my head back down and pretended that I didn't just see what I thought I just saw. "Just gonna have a shower then" he says. I keep my head down and stammer "Y-y-y-yeah, o-ok...". </p> <p>I'm still trying to figure out what is more harrowing: Narrowly avoiding certain death in a speeding car, or seeing the shrivelled up penis of an overweight, middle-aged, hairy alcoholic whom you've known for all of 5 minutes.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/naked-in-the-meadows-4564901/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/naked-in-the-meadows-4564901/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 21:02:59 +0200 <p>Instead of documenting Hitler's demise, wouldn't it have been better to make a film about the greatest board game ever made? It is my understanding that "Downfall" is a very good film as it stands, but I can't help wondering if perhaps a feature length film of two people facing off against each other in a game of "Downfall" would be more entertaining. I suppose you could also call it "Face Off" too, but I don't think they'd be able to convince Travolta and Cage to appear in it. I reckon a more likely cast would involve ex-Blue Peter presenter Tim Vincent in the role of the prodigious semi-blind priest, and the perenially typecast Danny Dyer playing a black German U-Boat commander.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Formerly known as "><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/765/2557765_040e85e5d0_m.jpg" alt="Formerly known as " hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>So Steven Paul Allen has written about his old bike. Here is a bicycle related story from me, I call it "Pavement Pandemonium":</p> <p><strong>Pavement Pandemonium</strong></p> <p>We're going years back here, probably 12 years or more. I would have been 12. I used to go round to my mate Jack's house in Chipstead every so often, we'd hang out, I'd stay over maybe, and we'd do whatever it is that 12-year-olds do. Or maybe whatever it was that 12-year-olds used to do before knife crime was invented.</p> <p>So this one time, I was round at Jack's, and we were riding our bikes up and down his road. He lived on something of a slope, nothing too harsh and unforgiving, but still it was a slope. I had already decided to try to break the sound barrier by pedalling with all my strength down the pavement. This was my quest.</p> <p>So I cycled to the top of the road, prepared myself with a few deep breaths, then set off down the road at full tilt. As I screamed past Jack's house, I threw him a glance and shouted in exaltation. Unfortunately, in the process, I did not notice his next door neighbour exiting through his front gate laden with heavy boxes to deposit in his car. He didn't stand a chance. I plowed into him at top speed, sending him flying into the bush and me into his car. My face connected with the windscreen, but the inertia carried me further down the street. I ended up in a bloodied, crumpled heap, the bycicle coming to rest atop me. I composed myself and cycled off before the neighbour had a chance to catch me.</p> <p><strong>Flame On</strong></p> <p>Another funny thing that happened was when I stayed over at Jack's after a party, along with this weird kid called Stuart Birchwood. We were sitting by the pond in Jack's garden, where a couple of lanterns were still alight from the previous evening. Jack and I were talking away, while Stuart occupied himself with fire. I told you he was weird. </p> <p>We paid little attention to what weird Stuart was doing, he appeared to be coating twigs in molten wax and setting fire to them. He must have progressed from this to setting fire to flowers and small bushels, because in the blink of an eye he had set fire to this bloody great fir tree. Now, these two fir trees were prized possessions to the family, so it was not ideal that Stuart had set fire to one of them. I ran indoors and called 999 to order a fire engine. They arrived rather quickly and set about putting the blaze out. The whole bloody thing had gone up like a tinderbox, engulfed in a matter of seconds. There wasn't much for the firemen to do.</p> <p>By the time the blaze had settled, there was nothing left. The tree was completely vanquished. The best part was when Jack's father returned home to find one of his beloved trees decimated. He actually cried, it was well funny. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/28/dial-m-for-milton-bradley-4237812/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/28/dial-m-for-milton-bradley-4237812/Wed, 28 May 2008 12:10:41 +0200 <p>So my folks got back from Florida yesterday morning. They have returned following a two week absence, during which time myself and my younger sister have had the run of the house. Oh, it's been a glorious time, apart from the mess caused by said sister. This is an irksome situation, and I'll tell you how.</p> <p>After spending most of the day out of the house at work (from around 7:45am - 5:20pm), I would return home to find the kitchen in a state comparable to the house of an old man who never threw anything away and then died. It was much like an episode of "Life Of Grime", where those poor clean-up crews would have to go in to houses where the dirty old occupant had hoarded all their garbage so that every room was filled to the brim with crap, usually in carrier bags.</p> <p>Okay, so it wasn't that bad in our house, but my sister does seem to have an aversion to the dishwasher, choosing instead to pile the dirty dishes into the sink and leave them there for all eternity. In fact, one day I returned home and found that her and a friend had prepared an eaten a couple of plates of nachos. I deduced this from the trails of cheese and doritos crisscrossing the kitchen floor. And the dirty plates in the sink smelt of salsa and melted cheese. When confronted with the obvious question: "Why didn't you clean up after yourself?" the reply came back. "I was sunbathing". Well, that's a concrete argument right there.</p> <p>So I would get into the habit of cleaning up after myself as I went along. This was the righteous and true path, taken by someone who has lived in poverty for three years of their life. On a couple of occasions I was not able to load my spent utensils and crockery into the dishwasher, as it was full of stuff already. I say "full" but it was just really badly loaded. If there was a course you could take in how to load a dishwasher, my sister would get a big fat "F". Epic fail.</p> <p>You can imagine my outrage when my sister implied that I hadn't done my fair share of cleaning up. My philosophy? If you've used it, you clean it. Seems like one of those statements that goes without saying, but with my sister being who she is, she just couldn't let it slide, even bringing up the fact that I almost ran over our next door neighbour the other day. My bad.</p> <p>All things aside, my parents returned with a few American jovialties. You see, they have just completed the transaction of buying a house in Florida, just outside of Orlando. Orlando, it turns out, is not the capital city of Florida. No no, I was wrong in my assumptions. It's actually a place called Tallahassee. But anyway, I'm getting off the beaten track here.</p> <p>They've bought this place, it sounds quite good. So this is another place that we can go and spend Christmas at, and it provides an excellent opportunity for Summer holidays. The only succinct disadvantage is that there tends to be a lot of Americans in America. And I noted that, amongst the sweets and various American foodstuffs that my parents brought back with them, 95% of the goods contained peanut butter. They do peanut butter everything. I don't think I'll ever understand the American obsession with peanut butter. I'll eat it, but I don't want to have it with everything.</p> <p>We've got peanut butter M&Ms, peanut butter Oreos, peanut butter Reese's Cups (which are actually pretty good), peanut butter peanut butter, and anything else you want to put peanut butter with. It's absolutely ridiculous.</p> <p>Another thing I heard, which made me laugh no end, was that they have drive-in banks in America. Drive-in banks! What's next, a drive-in toilet? Drive-in hairdressers? These people must be stopped. If all they do is eat peanut butter and sit in their cars while making transactions, then it's no small wonder that they're all fat bastards.</p> <p>I'm looking forward to visiting and driving through a bank. I'll take photos, rest assured. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/19/peanut-butter-4193842/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/19/peanut-butter-4193842/Mon, 19 May 2008 13:58:31 +0200 <p>During my time spent working in an office, I have experienced a number of strange "Office Phenomena". Office phenomena are unexplainable happenings within the office environ. There may be a variety of strange phenoms, but none are stranger than that of the male pee cycle.</p> <p>At certain times of the working day, I catch the urge to make use of the facilities for waste management. These urges usually appear at roughly the same time every day, but can occasionally fluctuate depending on environmental factors (hot weather, cold weather, hangover, etc). So whenever nature comes a-knocking on my pelvic floor like a Jehovah's Witness at the door, I tend to respond more or less immediately to the call.</p> <p>Now then, once I have arrived at the toilet, I make my way into the cubicle and perform the necessary task. Come on, we've all done it, there's no shame in it. It is whilst I am in the cubicle that I take note of the comings and goings of other facility users. It has gotten to the point where I can identify a number of people based solely (no pun intended) by the sound that their shoes make on the tiled floor. If someone blows their nose, it's a dead giveaway, don't even try to test me.</p> <p>This is all circumstantial, I'm here to talk about the pee cycle.</p> <p>I'm sure you have heard of the phenomenon of the female menstrual cycle. It is supposed that women who spend a long period (no pun intended) of time in close proximity can end up unknowingly synchronising their cycles so that they all have the painters in around the same time. It's never been explained, but it is scientific fact.</p> <p>Well, I'm proposing that men who spend a long period of time in close proximity can end up unknowingly synchronising their toilet breaks so that they all need to go at roughly the same time. I've not been able to wholly prove this as there have been a number of variables, but riddle (no pun intended) me this:</p> <p>Why is it that every time I go for a slash, I end up seeing the same people entering or leaving the toilet? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/the-pee-cycle-4172494/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/the-pee-cycle-4172494/Wed, 14 May 2008 12:22:32 +0200 <p>Here is a list of some of the things that I have done whilst playing "Grand Theft Auto IV". Some things were done in single player mode, whilst others were performed during "Free Mode" in online multiplayer:</p> <p>1. Carjacked a truck and drove off with the owner clinging to the door handle. Braked hard so that he flew forwards. Slowly rolled over his head as a final act of indignance.</p> <p>2. Ran myself over whilst going to the bowling alley on a date.</p> <p>3. Got chopped into little pieces by helicopter blades whilst trying to board it.</p> <p>4. Waited for the train to arrive and fill with passengers. Fired a rocket into it just as the doors were closing.</p> <p>5. Jumped off the tallest building in the game, landing on an old woman. No one survived.</p> <p>6. Crashed into a lampost whilst escorting a date to a restaurant. Date catapulted through windscreen. Drove off, leaving date to bleed to death.</p> <p>7. Surrendered to Police Officer after hitting squad car. Accidentally pressed the "Stab" button. Backup Police Officers used a shotgun on my face.</p> <p>8. Bought hot dog for $5. Ate hot dog. Killed hot dog vendor. $5 back.</p> <p>9. Hailed taxi. Approached taxi. Shot tyre with pistol. Taxi driver annoyed. Shot taxi driver.</p> <p>10. Picked up passenger. Drove towards cliff at high speed. Jumped out of car. Passenger falls to certain death.</p> <p>11. Drove through flaming wreckage. Tyres on fire. Blew up outside hospital.</p> <p>12. Knocked down lamposts because street was too bright. Changed mind and set car on fire because street was too dark.</p> <p>13. Scored 180 in one turn at darts.</p> <p>14. Just missed out on a turkey in bowling.</p> <p>15. Asked someone out on a date. Stood them up. Went and got drunk with another person.</p> <p>16. Drove past Police car whilst drunk. Got out of car and tried to run off. Fell over in a drunken heap. Police laugh. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/things-that-i-have-done-in-gta-iv-4113314/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/things-that-i-have-done-in-gta-iv-4113314/Wed, 30 Apr 2008 09:23:07 +0200 <p>Against my better judgement, I have ventured into work today. The turning point for me was when I went downstairs at 8am, only to be greeted by my Sister. </p> <p>"Are you not going into work today?" she asks.<br> "Nope, I still feel like crap" I reply.<br> "Well that didn't stop you playing your guitar really loud last night".<br> "What?".<br> "You shouldn't be listening to loud music when you're ill".<br> "It's too early for this...".</p> <p>So I marched upstairs, jumped in the shower, got dressed, and walked out the door. It was the latest that I have left the house in a long time, but I managed to get into work at 8:30am sharp. Not bad going.</p> <p>I had convinced myself that I would be able to handle a full day at work, but now I'm not so sure. I perked up a little before lunch, but now I'm struggling to concentrate. Those 3 hours of sleep have not prepared me for this. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/it-s-too-early-for-this-4025498/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/it-s-too-early-for-this-4025498/Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:21:12 +0200 <p><strong>Monday: This Will Destroy You</strong></p> <p>On Monday evening I took a trip down to Brighton to see "This Will Destroy You" play at The Engine Room. I had two tickets, for I had originally planned to go with Chris Light, but seeing as he is in Australia (and has been for the last two weeks) I had resigned myself to going alone. Then, at 3pm on Monday afternoon, Jay Joseph stated that he would like to join me as he had never been to a gig before. Result.</p> <p>So we got there around 6:45pm, parked up on the seafront and walked to The Engine Room. We walked straight past it the first time, ending up making a massive circle that encompassed most of Brighton. After some incorrect directions from a cab driver ("I'm definitely, 100% sure it's on Ship Lane"), we found it on Preston Road, which was quite some distance from Ship Lane.</p> <p>Nice venue, really small. Two support bands, who were both phenomenal, and the main act. Here's a sample of one of their songs, played live:</p> <p>During the gig I could feel a cold coming on, my nose was becoming congested and I was sneezing a fair bit. I put it all down to working in an open plan office. After the gig, I drove back. We stopped at McDonald's at Gatwick for something to eat. Their late night menu sucks the big one. Only Big Macs and Quarter Pounders. Where's the beef, yo?</p> <p>Upon returning home, I was safe in the knowledge that I had booked off Tuesday as annual leave, so as to recover from the heaviest weekend in a while, and also the late night bestowed upon me by the gig.</p> <p><strong>Tuesday: Annual Leave/Sick As A Dog</strong></p> <p>Woke up at 11am on Tuesday and felt like shit warmed up. I was very angry with myself for having effectively wasted a day's holiday by falling ill. It is common knowledge that I am rarely sick, so this was serious. Luckily I didn't have to undertake my least favourite task: Phoning in sick. I spent the day watching TV and playing guitar. I watched "Sicko" by Michael Moore, and now I have a newfound love for the NHS. Cheers, Mikey.</p> <p>At 6pm I retired to bed to watch an episode or two of "Oz". After promptly falling asleep during the show, I woke up at 12:30am and found that I simply couldn't return to sleep. I concluded that perhaps another attempted viewing of "Oz" would send me off, but it didn't. Instead I woke up, had something to eat, and commandeered the sofa downstairs. I watched "Thank You For Smoking", which was quite alright. Before I knew it, it was 6am and I jumped in the shower.</p> <p><strong>Wednesday: Back To Work, But For How Long?</strong></p> <p>I had convinced myself that I would be 100% fit for work, even though I had already been awake for 6 hours whilst the whole world slept. I got into work at 7am and sorted out the emails that had been sent in my absence. By the time everyone else started arriving, I was in serious trouble. My team leader spotted my ailments and suggested that I leave. So I finished off a few tasks that were in need of my attention, and I left work around 10:50am. I got home at 11am and tried to sleep on the sofa. It wasn't happening, so I played Gran Turismo 5 Prologue until it bored me to sleep. I nodded off watching an episode of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.</p> <p>Woke up at 6:43. I jumped out of bed, and followed the sound of the television to the front room. My Sister was in there, fully dressed. "What are you doing up this early?" I asked. "Early?" she replied, "It's not even 7pm yet". You see, I thought that I had slept for 15 hours and woken up on Thursday morning. It was a sign that I was very confused and possibly retarded. I was happy that I had not missed the Champions League clash between United and Roma. Nice.</p> <p>After the match, I watched the first episode of "The Wire". I think I'm going to like this. Then I went to bed.</p> <p><strong>Today: 3am</strong></p> <p>Woke up with a horrible burning sensation in my throat. You see, I am prone to occasional and mild bouts of acid reflux (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acid_reflux"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acid_reflux">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acid_reflux</a></a>), and this was proving to be very uncomfortable indeed. I raced downstairs to locate any form of antacid that I could get my hands on. Luckily I found two Rennie soft chews, and both of them in unison managed to tame the fury in my throat. But it would not be for long. </p> <p>At 5:30am, after a couple of episodes of "The Office: An American Workplace" I decided to drive to the 24 hour Tesco in order to stock up on more Rennies and cold relief tablets. I plumped for the Beecham's Cold & Flu Relief caplets, they're orange in colour. I also filled up my car with high quality unleaded while I was in the area. I then returned home for 6am, and this is where I am now.</p> <p>I'm still not up to returning to work, but I hate phoning in sick. I will have to ring in around 8:45am. I now have a lovely cough to add to my list of symptoms, my nose is still running like a tap, I've got a dodgy stomach, I'm sneezing indefinitely, my ears are blocked. I think I'm ill. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/german-tennis-professionals-4023912/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/german-tennis-professionals-4023912/Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:04:04 +0200 <p>If you head on over to <strong>Songs We Made </strong>(<a href="http://songswemade.blog.co.uk"><a href="http://songswemade.blog.co.uk">http://songswemade.blog.co.uk</a></a>) then you'll find two new songs that I have been working on today.</p> <p>The first one is called <strong>"Brassed Off"</strong>, and it's an original idea. I think it sounds rather well produced. The trumpets are rather fantastic.</p> <p>The second one is called <strong>"Surreptitious Snakes"</strong>, which is a remix of a song by Steven Paul Allen entitled "Snakes". I received a text message at 20:33 this evening saying "Can you please remix snakes?". So I did.</p> <p>Please have a listen. Tell me your thoughts. Write it all down. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/03/30/brassed-off-surreptitious-snakes-3969815/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/03/30/brassed-off-surreptitious-snakes-3969815/Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:10:22 +0200 <p>Lunch was a bit of a misnomer today. We set off at 12:30pm with the express interest of going to The Beehive, which is a pub just down the road from the workplace. So we gathered our coats and Bruno Fountain drove down there. This is when it all started to go wrong.</p> <p>When we got to the pub, there were no parking spaces. This irked all of us four, so Bruno parked in an ungainly "non-space" in front of a van. The reasoning for this? It would be easier to spot people dressed in van attire, at which point Bruno could move his vehicle to a more comely spot. I think you will agree that this was the best course of action, given the limited resources that we had at our disposal.</p> <p>So we went inside and got to the bar. There were a great many people from work waiting to be served. These are people that we do not tend to hang around with on a day-to-day basis, so we exchanged basic platitudes and carried on with our waiting. Well, we must have been there for ten minutes, and the queue was showing no sign of easing up. I put this down to a combination of slow service and awkward customers. There, I said it. So with all of us four suitably annoyed, we decided to leave in search of greener pastures. </p> <p>When we set off again, Bruno noticed that he did not have enough petrol to transport us far afield. Indeed, I can concur that the needle was almost at zero. We delegated that we would go to the fish n' chip shop whilst Bruno filled up his car. This seemed like a good idea, so we did this. We all ordered a cheeseburger with chips. Four of them, that is, not just one to share between us. It took a while, but once we received our goods we went back to work and ate in the canteen.</p> <p>Now then, as I tucked into my cheeseburger and chips, I experienced a distinctly underwhelming emotion. The food was basically rubbish, the chips tasted like sawdust and the burger was messy. It brought to mind that video of David Hasselhoff eating a burger off the floor and mumbling "I'm making a mess". I wasn't impressed with the level of mess. This is another rhyme. Once it was eaten I mused "That was pretty awful". </p> <p>Not even the can of Cherry Tango could save it from the depths of food purgatory. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/26/via_the_power_of_greyskull~3783216/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/26/via_the_power_of_greyskull~3783216/Tue, 26 Feb 2008 15:10:15 +0100 <p>Had a bit of a windfall at work earlier. Why? Here's why.</p> <p>Last week one of my colleagues in another department decided to have a "friendly bet" between a handful of people regarding the UEFA Champions League matches that were to be played on Wednesday evening. The bet was to guess how many fouls and corners would be awarded in all four matches. My guess was 98, but I was way off. The correct number was 147. The guy who started the bet had won, very well played.</p> <p>So on Friday the same man decided to hold another "friendly bet", this time on the Saturday matches involving Premier League, Championship, Scottish Premier League and Scottish Division One games. The bet was to guess how many goals were scored in all matches for these leagues. I went for 68, just because it sounded good to me. There were 7 other people involved, which would have brought in the princely sum of seven English drachma. Nevertheless, I got the number spot on. Hit the nail on the head, I did. 68 of the buggers went into the nets up and down the United Kingdom. Yeah, cough up fella.</p> <p>So this leads me to the weekend that just was.</p> <p>Friday night was quite alright (it's a rhyme). It'll be alright on Friday night. I went to play some pool and did OK, won a few, lost a few, had a few drinks. "Few" was the featured word in today's sentence. Then we went for a curry. I tried my hand at a meat samosa, then onwards and upwards to Chicken Tikka Masala and Eggs Fried Rice (I say "Eggs" because that's how it is spelt on the menu at the Curry Garden in Redhill). I ordered the Eggs Fried Rice in exactly the same way as it is written. This garnered little response from the waiter, but significant responses from my fellow eaters. Usually I only try "Eggs" Fried Rice at the Chinese restaurants of England, The Year Of Our Lord, but I thought I'd change things up a bit in the Indian restaurants of our great nation. As a result, the "Eggs" Fried Rice was very tasty. They have also spelt "Almond Powder" incorrectly: they put "Almond Power", which sounds like a pro-nut pop group. The lesser-known beneficial properties of almonds.</p> <p>After the curry I went to The Sun in Redhill. It was proper packed bruv. It was also filled with clones. Imagine "Multiplicity" crossed with "Grange Hill" and you'll be halfway there. Everyone looked the same. The blokes were all meat-heads with fashionable hair, and the girls were all wearing short shorts and leopard print tops. It was like I had died and ended up in the 80's. Again.</p> <p>So we stayed in The Sun until closing time. After everyone had cleared off to Liquid & Envy we had the place to ourselves. I was holding in a massive dump and large amounts of methane gas, which I chose to expel in strategic locations. At one point I was pretending to grab a drinks menu from a distant table, just so I could blow off. Unfortunately as I tried to break wind it felt spicy, so I sucked it back in, fearful that perhaps more than gas would reveal itself. In not so many words, I thought I was going to soil myself. This is why I retreated the spicy guest back into my bowels. Whew, that was a close one. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/easy_money_i_m_the_big_winner~3778224/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/easy_money_i_m_the_big_winner~3778224/Mon, 25 Feb 2008 14:59:42 +0100 <p>At lunchtime we made a little trip, Steve and I, to purchase some speaker cable for his stereo system.</p> <p>First of all we went to his house, checked out the situation there. Once we were happy that we knew what we would be getting, we set off for Richer Sounds. We bought the cable easily enough. Then we went to a newsagents where I bought a drink. Then it was back to work for us.</p> <p>I proposed a rota that we should stick to, please find it below, along with notes:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The Rota Of Stern Adhesion"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/106/2355106_b9793bf952_m.jpg" alt="The Rota Of Stern Adhesion" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/lunchtime_appointment_with_steven_paul_a~3750048/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/lunchtime_appointment_with_steven_paul_a~3750048/Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:51:05 +0100 <p>They've only bloody gone and norsed it up, haven't they? Came in early yesterday morning expecting to crack on with my work and knock out a good solid performance during my overtime session, but I was met with a revamped PC and a couple of sheets of technological notes to support. What happened was this:</p> <p>The IT service department decided to update our computers to the latest "European Image". I'm not sure exactly why they wanted to do this, but now that it's been done I can't access half of the stuff that I would normally have been able to get my grubby mitts on. All this means that I have been professionally castrated, unable to carry out my normal job role. This has left a sour taste in my mouth, and don't let there be any mistake about it. Everything was working so well, why did they have to go and fiddle around with it?</p> <p>The first thing I noticed was a rather horrible new desktop background. I quickly changed this because it is appalling. And also it was painful trying to read white fonts on a white background. After this, I saw that all my old desktop items had been done away with. This angered me, so I hopped on the bad foot and did the good thing. Sorted.</p> <p>Then the printer drivers were all messed up, so I fixed that. Job's a good 'un. I also re-organised all my quickstart icons and the like, but it's still not to my satisfaction. You could say that I spent the entire morning session - running up to lunch - undoing all the hard work that the IT department had put into upgrading my PC. I didn't get anything else done.</p> <p>I also sorted out problems with other people's computers. I should be getting paid more for all this IT support. It's really gotten my goat, as you can tell. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/all_systems_gone~3748455/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/all_systems_gone~3748455/Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:53:50 +0100 <p>Here are a few things to update you on. Step in time, sunshine.</p> <p><strong>The Iron Men</strong></p> <p>I've created a new blog to deal with The Iron Man competition. Please see it. It should clear up any concerns that you may be harbouring. It is here: <a href="http://theironmen.blog.co.uk.">http://theironmen.blog.co.uk.</a> Pictures aplenty, sailor.</p> <p><strong>Squash<br></strong><br>Played a bit of squash on Monday night. I ran across the court to return the ball, as I sliced it into the opposite corner I took my eye off my course and collided with the wall. I put my left hand out in order to cushion the blow but my arm locked into position, it didn't collapse like I had planned. The result? A severely sprained wrist. My hand went numb for a good hour or so. Nerve damage: The nation's unseen killer. Upon trying to sleep that night, every time I drifted off and moved in my sleep, the pain woke me up. It was awful. </p> <p>The second downside to this injury is that I had to wrap it up in a bandage whilst at work. Cue everyone saying "I told you about wanking too much...", and other such remarks. I heard this upwards of 40 times just in one day, that's at least once every 11.25 seconds. My reply to each and every remark was "I'm right handed". This tended to shut them up, hopefully making them feel a bit weird. I am currently waiting for Jay to come into work so that I can request his assistance in re-wrapping the wrist.</p> <p>I will not let this injury put me off. I'm playing again tonight with Marc Haridimou. He's not played before so I'm going to teach him the rules in preparation for the Iron Man event.</p> <p><strong>Hair<br></strong><br>My hair is getting quite long now. I have something of a mullet trickling down my neck, but I don't care. With great power comes great responsibility.</p> <p><strong>Shaving</strong></p> <p>Yesterday, one of my immediate colleagues suggested that we have a competition to see who can grow the most facial hair in a week. We are going to do this next week, shaving on the Monday morning and announcing the winner on Friday afternoon. This suits me down to the ground. He says he wants to prove his manliness by attaining the rugged look, but secretly I think he just wants to stroke my face at the end of the week.</p> <p><strong>Sharks<br></strong><br>Yesterday evening I watched an episode of "Planet Earth" called "Shallow Seas". I watched the Blu-Ray version on Patrick Viera, the HDTV of heavenliness. I put this on with the express interest of watching the scene where a Great White Shark attacks a seal. Once the scene was over I switched it off and went on a Wikipedia quest to learn some more shark facts. Two hours later and it was 11pm and time for bed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/13/submitted_for_your_consideration~3720461/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/02/13/submitted_for_your_consideration~3720461/Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:30:50 +0100 <p>I came across these photos earlier. They were taken from my work colleague's phone. The pictures tell the story of a couple of weekends ago when Steven Paul Allen invited himself round to the house of Rob, the work colleague. Who knows what ungodly hour it must have been. The tale goes that Steve had some friends, including Rob, back to his abode. When they left, he followed them home with some alcohol. They didn't know he was following them until they heard a knock at the door, shortly after returning home. Steve was wearing his pyjamas, a dressing gown, a jacket and his favourite Homer Simpson slippers. These pictures were taken at around 8am from what we can figure out.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="On his way"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/299/2314299_ae925b86ad_m.jpeg" alt="On his way" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>Now, answer me this: Would you even consider letting this miscreant into your house? He quite clearly smells of old whiskey and worn bedclothes. Seriously, just look at that unkempt mop of hair atop his forehead. It looks like someone soaked his hair in chip fat and hung him out to dry. You can see the events of the previous 12 hours, just by looking in his eyes. This is an absolutely brilliant picture.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="On his way still"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/300/2314300_5705a81c92_m.jpeg" alt="On his way still" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>Some bright spark has seen fit to arm him with a cigarette. This can only spell disaster, as he will invariably singe a hole in his clothing or burn his eye out. This is not advised, as Steve always goes weird when he smokes a cigarette. Once I pleaded with him: "Steve, please don't go weird. Stop it, you're doing it now. You're going weird aren't you?", it was really unpleasant as he laughed in my face and made a bizarre crying noise. This is usually followed by the old trick of talking with his eyes closed. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because it helps to obscure his hideously red eyes.</p> <p>In the above photo, he seems to be doing one of two things:</p> <p>1) Wrestling with the carrier bag filled with alcohol, possibly shouting obscenities at the bag and anyone who makes the mistake of making eye contact;<br> 2) Breaking out an early morning version of "The Robot".</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Some progress is made"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/301/2314301_765f27619c_m.jpeg" alt="Some progress is made" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>This is the worst part of his departure. This is the point where it could go either way; he could leave and allow you to go to sleep, or he could waltz back up the driveway and force his way back in so that he can drink his alcohol out of an unwashed mug that's been left next to the sink to fester. In this photo he is actually standing in the road. I sometimes have nightmares about him jumping out in front of me in this state when I am driving. What scares me most is that I don't think I would want to stop.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/the_end_of_the_road/2314302" title="The end of the road"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/302/2314302_4edce62cf7_m.jpeg" alt="The end of the road" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>Still in the road, and still the nightmares prevail. It seems as though he is actually leaving, but we just can't be sure that he didn't storm back up to the house right after this picture was taken. I can imagine him doing this, frog marching back into the building and demanding that you engage in a game of Trivial Pursuit. From here that carrier bag could well and truly contain your soul, or maybe something that belongs to you. Like an ashtray or something.</p> <p>So that is Steven Paul Allen, the morning after the night before. What a special treat for all you readers. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/a_special_treat~3662159/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/a_special_treat~3662159/Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:34:30 +0100 <p>Upon leaving work yesterday, I ventured out to my autovehicular conveyance. As I was marginally earlier than usual with my leaving of the workplace, I was looking forward to a slightly smoother ride home. This meant that I would hopefully miss all chance of the level crossing descending on my way through.</p> <p>So there I was, walking to my car. I doffed my fresh jacket and plonked it on the back seats, as per. Then I sat down behind the wheel in order to navigate the vehicle. It was at this point that I removed my security pass. As I flicked the gearbox into "Reverse" mode, I looked in the rear view mirror to see if my path was clear. My path was not clear.</p> <p>Behind my car stood three individuals, all conversing. They did not notice my reversing lights flash on, and went about their business as if nothing had even happened. I slowly began to reverse, hoping that they would register the movement in their peripheral vision. Alas, they still did not clock on to the fact that I was trying to get out of the parking space. Again, I edged backward. As I was approaching their vicinity, one of the gentlemen figured out what was going on, so he motioned to his contemporaries that they should move along, so as to avoid being reversed over. If there's anything more indignant than getting run over at a slow speed, it has to be getting reversed over at an even slower speed.</p> <p>So these fellows began to shift, which made me happy for 3.7 seconds, until I realised that their chosen trajectory was in line with my path of righteousness. They walked in the direction that I was set to travel, but without moving any farther backward. They were effectively following my line of sight, preventing me from reversing at the speed which I am accustomed to. This proved to be rather frustrating, and I vocalised my anger at these chaps.</p> <p>All in all, it must have taken me upwards of 30 seconds to reverse out of my car parking space. I know this because I started playing some music as I flexed the gears over to the "Reverse" flavour. By the time I had finally set off on my way, I glanced at the stereo and saw that some 32 seconds had elapsed. This act, in and of itself, would usually take me less than 7 seconds. I really wish that I had knocked down one or more of these car obfuscators. They're real swines. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/car_obstruction_notwithstanding~3659519/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/car_obstruction_notwithstanding~3659519/Thu, 31 Jan 2008 14:42:27 +0100 <p>In response to <u><a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/how_do_you_ensure_that_you_do_not_forget~3655443">Steven Paul Allen's most recent of postings</a></u>, here is my method with the work pass situation. You see, at our workplace, Steve and I have our security passes that grant us entry to the building. This is how I, personally, do it:</p> <p>My work pass sits gently at the end of a V Festival lanyard (seeing as we are not permitted to wear lanyards containing the company logo). I leave my pass, lanyard and all, in the small cubbyhole beneath my car stereo. In the mornings, it is usually around 7am when I get into my car. Before I enter the car, I reach in and invade the cubbyhole, retrieving the work pass with the utmost urgency. I then place the lanyard under my collar, which circumvents my neck. Once the entire package is entirely secured, I then don a fresh jacket over the top. This ensures that, on the other end of the journey, I am ready to venture from my car to the building without incurring any stoppages. Wearing the pass comes in handy, as it leaves the card in a secure and easy to reach place for when I, inevitably, have to swipe myself in through the front barriers, and also the pod door.</p> <p>Similarly, when I leave work at a time close to 5pm, I don my jacket. As I have been wearing my pass all day, as has been communicated to us via security, there is no need to don this before the jacket. I then leave the building and make my way to the car. Once at the car, I remove the jacket and throw it onto the back seats. I enter the car by the driver's side door. Once the engine has been started, I am safe to remove the pass and place it back into the cubbyhole.</p> <p>Work passes: How do you use yours? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/work_pass_faux_pas~3656326/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/work_pass_faux_pas~3656326/Wed, 30 Jan 2008 21:05:00 +0100 <p>As it turns out, CRG does not stand for anything other than "Cartridge". We tried to think what it could be upon first hearing it, but after coming up with "Cryogenically Real Grandad" and "Clown Rolling on the Grass", we found out the true meaning of this non-acronymal acronym. It means "Cartridge", but I didn't think that was good enough.</p> <p>The Guitar Hero practice sessions are going well. We had another one on Saturday evening. As always, I was on hand to offer help and destroy the competition in equal measure. I wouldn't bother placing a bet on me to win in the Iron Man Competition, because the odds are worse than evens. We're talking odds of 1/100. It's a good one for the bookies, and no mistake.</p> <p>So here's what the Iron Man Competition is all about. I may have mentioned it in passing a few times previously, so this is a bold faced effort to clear up any misunderstanding.</p> <p>When I came back from my Christmas break, I caught up with Bruno and Jay. Bruno said that they had been fleshing out an idea for a competition involving 8 participants. The premise is to discover who is the best all-round Iron Man contestant. But this isn't an Iron Man Competition that you have heard of before, the others all involve varying sports and physical exercises. This event was to focus more on "sports" that we are individually good at. Here are the events and who they were chosen by:</p> <p>100m Sprint - Jonny Inglewood<br> Street Basketball - Ash<br> Penalty Shootout - "Cowboy" Marc C<br> American Pool - Marc H<br> Squash - Chris Light<br> Guitar Hero - Me<br> Bar Billiards - Bruno<br> 10 pin Bowling - Jay</p> <p>Each contestant comes up with the rules for their own event, I have already sent out the rules for my event. I will post the rules on here for all and sundry. Who knows when the games will start? Once they do, I'll be on hand to take photos and perhaps even videos. Just watch out. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/cryogenically_real_grandad~3653314/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/cryogenically_real_grandad~3653314/Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:21:28 +0100 <p>It was on Wednesday night of this very week that I drove to Brighton with Chris Light with the express interest of seeing Explosions In The Sky play live. Do you want to know how it was? Even if you don't, I shall tell you now. Read on.</p> <p>I took Wednesday off of work. The plan was to go to Chris' on Tuesday evening to practice on Guitar Hero for our forthcoming Iron Man event. It was planned that a few beers would be ingested and that I would sleep at the house of Light. As it turns out, this didn't happen. Chris was up in London until the early hours, so it was deemed unnecessary to venture round to his abode. Instead I watched a programme about Hugh Everett's "Many Worlds Theory", hosted by Everett's son: Mark Oliver Everett (AKA E, from the rock band "Eels"). It was a very good programme called "Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives". Thanks, BBC Four, for such compelling programming.</p> <p>It was during this viewing that my sister informed me that Heath Ledger had passed away. I felt a bit sad about this, as I found him to be a talented and engaging actor. I look forward to seeing the new Batman film, as his portrayal of The Joker looks to be rather fantastic.</p> <p>So I woke up on Wednesday morning at 10:45am to a call from Bruno Fountain, who was wanting to play squash. I said it might be a possibility. I went to Chris' at about 12pm and we caught up on Guitar Hero and Pro Evo. After some time had passed it became clear that squash would not be viable as it would involve too much driving around, and we had a tight schedule to adhere to. We set off for Brighton at 6pm.</p> <p>It took us about an hour after we had taken out some money and negotiated the rush hour traffic. Upon parking up outside Concorde 2 on the Brighton seafront, I grounded the front bumper of my car, Ralf, on a particularly high kerb. This annoyed me. The damage is not too substantial, but the sheer fact of knowing that I have done this has made me angry. Why do they do this?</p> <p>We got into the club at 7:30pm and settled down for the night's events. There was only one item of merchandise that warranted a buy, seeing as I already own all the current Explosions In The Sky T-Shirts. I bought an Eluvium shirt, as this was the support act. At 8:30 Eluvium played. He was very enjoyable, but very loud. At one point everyone was covering their ears as the high pitched drones became too much to bear. I got a bit annoyed at all the people talking through his set. Very disrespectful, I feel.</p> <p>Explosions In The Sky came on at 9:30pm. They were rather good, but again it was the crowd that ruined the experience. Too many people pushing past other people to try to get to the front. Many times we were thrust forward into the backs of dirty unwashed crusties with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks make me feel ill, all that filthy hair makes me gag. Eventually we moved to a more cumbent spot, but it did nothing to quell the chatter from the ranks of arty freaks and young pretenders. Also, there were loads of old people there. If I'd known this, I would have taken my Nan for a little treat. </p> <p>During the set I was beset by a vicious headache that lasted for a couple of minutes. They come on every now and then, so it's no biggie mac. They're like intense electrical storms inside my head, all flashing lights and head cramps. It passed quickly, but the infernal talking of my fellow bystanders did not. "Hey, I didn't pay £15 to listen to drunk, smelly idiots talk", I moaned to myself. The only other high point, other than the band, was a pretty brown haired girl. I liked her.</p> <p>We left sharpish, as the band do not play encores. The drive back was quite alright, although I did suffer a brief headache coming through Brighton. It passed quickly again, so all was well. Coming out of the town on the A23, there are two speed cameras, one for each side of the road. I slowed down in time for the one on my side of the road, but I crept back up to about 37mph and the one going the other way flashed me. I didn't understand this, as it was facing toward me and there were no road markings on my side of the road. It is for these reasons that I have not let it trouble me. You could say that I am nonchalant in the face of speed cameras on the other side of the road. If something comes of it then I shall challenge the ruling. You shall not pass. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/25/there_were_loads_of_old_people_there~3629494/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/25/there_were_loads_of_old_people_there~3629494/Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:21:44 +0100 <p>I am unable to do anything work related as our computer system is, once again, down. I'll be honest with you, it's shit. Nevertheless, this inability to do any work has gifted me with some time to catch up on the events of the last week. In the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, "Hold onto your butts".</p> <p>The main event of last week was the company-wide "Kick Off" conference. This is effectively a sales backslapping exercise, held up in London, England. There is not much point in my department attending the conference, as we barely got a mention for all the stupidly hard work we have to do. It's a scientific fact that, in doing our jobs successfully, we bring in more money to the company than the salespeople do. It's all about maintenance, you see. You just can't buy this sort of efficiency. Needless to say, yours truly did not receive the recognition he deserved. This was a good thing, because it would have entailed standing on the stage in front of almost everyone who works for my company. I was quite happy to watch from the wings as people tripped over in a rush to get to the stage.</p> <p>The whole conference was a crashing bore, and I nearly fell asleep towards the end. The only thing that kept me going was playing "The Look-alike Game". Throughout the entire conference I recognised the following people:</p> <p>Harry Hill / Clive Woodward<br> Willem Dafoe / The Green Goblin<br> Groucho Marx<br> The blue eagle/bird character from The Muppets<br> Mark Hughes</p> <p>There were a few more but I have deleted them from my memory in order to free up valuable space for fond childhood memories.</p> <p>After the conference we went to Namco Station in County Hall, on the South Bank. This was a blast. The company had rented the whole place out and the rumour was that the company had put £10,000 behind the bar. I made full use of this free money and had a plethora of beers. I also played some pool and won hugely on Dancing Stage Euromix. Upon leaving, we went to a club in Mayfair, but were treated like tramps because we didn't have enough ladies with our travelling party. This annoyed the shit out of me, so we left. I came home with Jay, but the others stayed up there. I could not have done this because I was very tired. As it turned out, I was very happy to return to bed.</p> <p>Another weekend event was a Guitar Hero session. No one can even touch me on this game, I destroy all who step up to the plate. I bought Guitar Hero 3 on Thursday and completed it on Medium level in just under 5 hours. I was annoyed that I had to retry one of the songs. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/22/no_bees_no_honey_no_no_money~3615046/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/22/no_bees_no_honey_no_no_money~3615046/Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:20:42 +0100 <blockquote><p> <strong>09/01/2008 12:10<br>    <br>To      Steve Allen<br>    <br>Subject: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment</strong><br>    <br>When I join you for the journey to get your phone unlocked, can I do the gears?</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br>Contract Management Executive<br>NHS & Higher Education<br><strong><br>--------------------------------------------------<br></strong><br><strong>09/01/2008 12:10<br>    <br>To    Ian Dulley<br>    <br>Subject: Re: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment</strong></p> <p>If you do it nicely.</p> <p>Regards,</p> <p>Steve Allen<br>MDM Lease Analyst<br><strong><br>--------------------------------------------------</strong><br><strong><br>09/01/2008 12:12<br>    <br>To    Steve Allen<br>    <br>Subject: Re: The Almera Of Coastitude And Wonderment</strong></p> <p>Just forget it then, will you?</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br>Contract Management Executive<br>NHS & Higher Education</blockquote>   </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/17/the_almera_of_coastitude_and_wonderment~3588631/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/17/the_almera_of_coastitude_and_wonderment~3588631/Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:31:26 +0100 <p>Steve Allen wants to get a phone unlocked. Let's see what happens!</p> <blockquote><p><strong>08/01/2008 11:56<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley<br>     <br> Subject: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>you say it's thursday i can get my phone unlocked down redders market?</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:00<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>I believe so. I think there might be a shop or two along the bit where Burger King and Greggs is that unlocks phones all week long. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out, wh-wh-wh-wh-what's it's all about?</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------<br> <strong><br> 08/01/2008 12:03<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>really? this is indeed info most interesting. so, to confirm it's market on thursday down redders and i just go up to the mobile phone stall and say 'can you unlock this phone so i can use o2 on it please?'. Will they question the origin of the phone?</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:11<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>I'm almost certain that it's a viability that the market is in town on Thursday. Also, Saturday is a market day.</p> <p>Debbie says that there is a place in the arcade bit where Road Runners is that unlocks phones. You could get it done right now.</p> <p>They will not question the origin of the phone. It will cost in the region of a ten bob note, maybe a bit more.</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:14<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Mmm thanks for the info, i have nourished myself with it.</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:17<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Mmmmm, crust.</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:19<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>so i just say 'please unlock this' hand them the phone and there are no questions asked? I thought it cost a fiver (mary jane) but am willing to part with a ten bob note for the service. Luncheon appointment with Stephen Cook.</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:21<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>If it were me, I'd say this:</p> <p>Ian - "Can you unlock this phone please?"<br> Phone man - "Yes, I currently have no questions to ask you at this point"<br> Ian - "Thanks, I like your hat".</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------<br> <strong><br> 08/01/2008 12:27<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Does this not encourage the thief's who hoodwink mobile phones? I question the integrity of these phone unlockers but I will bite my tongue in this instance as I really need to use this phone on o2. Incidentally I obtained this phone from someone who reported it as lost and claimed a new one on their insurance, the one I have subsequently turned up. This is why I have the opportunity to use it. Is there any wrong doing here? If I am found out will there be hell to pay?</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:30<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>I won't report you.</p> <p>The only phones I've ever had unlocked are old ones that my parents have stopped using. No harm, no foul.</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 12:31<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>are you saying that there is a slight possibility I could go to jail for this?<br> will you post this email on your blog?</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 13:33<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Ok. We have a deal here.</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Contract Management Executive<br> NHS & Higher Education</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 13:34<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Will this be included in the blog, this email I return now? Can I be found out or sent down for getting this phone unlocked? I am scared.</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 13:52<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Dear Mr. Allen</p> <p>Thank you for contacting me with your query. I can confirm that all correspondence carrying the subject "phone unlocking capabilities" will be included in a future weblog posting.</p> <p>With regards to your concerns about being "found out" and/or "sent down" for perpetrating this act of unlocking an illegitimate phonecular device, I can quite confidently state that you will not incur any form of legal punishment or similar ramification relating to the application of United Kingdom law. However, I cannot guarantee the safety of your associate within the constraints of legality, as he or she has already committed a form of fraudulent behaviour. I would like to think that I do not have to spell out the nature of the crime on your behalf.</p> <p>The majority of mobile phone unlocking technicians are specifically trained to shoot first and ask questions later. As they, themselves, are committing criminal acts, I feel it is safe to assume that they will not "dob you in", so to speak. I recognise that there is an abundance of punctuation in the previous sentence, particularly commas (such as the one pictured here: ,). I do not think that there is any cause for alarm.</p> <p>I must stress that extreme caution be applied when discussing the above subject(s) with anybody outside of your friend/family circle. I refer to this as the "foe circle". Treat everybody as guilty until proven innocent.</p> <p>Once again, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you personally for contacting me about this. I appreciate that moments of worriment are a common symptom of extreme duress. I wish you every success in your future endeavours.</p> <p>A response by return would be appreciated.</p> <p>Kind regards</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Phone Unlocking Advisor</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 14:42<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Your Honour,</p> <p>Will my accomplice, whom provided one with the phone, will they be incarcerated if I am discovered using the phone? The thing is, it was an innocent mistake that they made when reporting the phone lost. They believed it was lost and that is all. When it turned up again should they have rung the insurance people, to confess the mistake. Is this correct, can this be so? If I use the phone will it send a signal to the phone company to indicate it is in use? Can they do this, is this the way? I wouldn't blame them for doing so, as far as they are concerned this phone has been knocked off.</p> <p>Yours in good faith,</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> Mobile Phone Unlocker Enthusiast</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 15:03<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Dear Stevenage</p> <p>Good to hear from you once again. This is what I have to say to you. You will see that I have used words extrapolated from the English language to convey my message. What I am saying is words.</p> <p>Your double usage of the term "will" has irked me so. I choose to ignore this as it is not prudent to highlight your shortcomings within the field of linguistics. Secondly, you do not have to prove yourself to me, I have no influence over the law. I cannot forsee any tertiary signals being sent to the phone company from the device, this is not something that is officially done. I urge you to restrain your concerns. I would also like to take this opportunity to dissuade you from making any rash decisions. I am told that you will know what that means.</p> <p>I have to end this message here, someone is listening to the keys I am pressing and figuring out the algorithms of the soundwaves emerging from the keyboard. Through doing this they are quite literally working out what words I am typing to you.</p> <p>Warm bedsheets</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Word Typing Executive</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 15:09<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Your words have a warm ring to them. This is your name. YWHAWRTM. That is the 'Abraham Aviation'. A theory previously unheard of, but as relevant today as it was yesterday. May I suggest that your lodge a request to snuggle the domain ywhawrtm.com? I believe it would be prudent.</p> <p>Thank you for steadying my nerves regarding the pitfalls of mobile phone unlocking and the legalities of the whole issue. I thank you.</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 16:12<br>     <br> To:    Steve Allen</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Greetings Allen</p> <p>My name is Ian Dulley, I am secretary to Mr. Jonas-Jonas of the Nigerian Bank of Nigeria in Basingstoke. One of our wealthy clients has recently passed away and left a great deal of money in an account. We need you to give us all of your valuable possessions.</p> <p>My words are warm, thanks for noticing. I am thankful that your nerves have been lashed down to the deck, where they will no longer a-quiver at the prospect of being sent down for a crime that you partially committed. Anything I can do to help, this is what I say to you in a text flavour.</p> <p>Your clothes</p> <p>Ian Dulley<br> Secretary to James Jonas-Jonas<br> Nigerian Bank of Nigeria<br> Basingstoke<br> Nigeria</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------</p> <p><strong>08/01/2008 16:16<br>     <br> To:    Ian Dulley</p> <p>Subject: Re: phone unlocking capabilities</strong></p> <p>Goodness all around,</p> <p>Will you accompany me tomorrow lunchtime or at another luncheon juncture (the choice is yours- Graham from blind date! You are out of your element) when I go to unlock my phone? You can watch what I do and check I am doing the right thing.</p> <p>Steve Allen<br> MDM Lease Analyst</blockquote>  </p> <p>Yeah, I might. I might not. How'd you like them apples? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/08/no_harm_no_foul~3547951/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/08/no_harm_no_foul~3547951/Tue, 08 Jan 2008 20:17:16 +0100 <p>It's now 2008, and after two full days of recovering from a long drive, I am now feeling up to the task of documenting some recent events. </p> <p>As you know, I spent Christmas and New Year in Spain with my family. My Father had decided that we were to drive there and back, which was fine by me because I'm not keen on the whole flying thing. So we shared the driving. We left at 12pm on Friday 21st December, were delayed for a couple of hours at the Eurotunnel terminal, then made our way through France, the Pyrenees, and the north of Spain. It took 23 hours from door to door, with only a handful of brief stops to get vehicle fuel and human fuel. Petrol and food, senor.</p> <p>Whilst in Spain I ate a lot of ham, and various other things. I went to my Brother's band's first gig, which was pretty good. I took a lot of photos at various locales (the port, the centre of Valencia, the mountainous countryside). It was a nice couple of weeks, but it's good to get back to my own bed and catch up on some sleep.</p> <p>One night in Spain I was ill, I had eaten something that didn't quite agree with me. I filled the toilet with red wine. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/06/red_wine_blues~3536975/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lifeofian.blog.co.uk/2008/01/06/red_wine_blues~3536975/Sun, 06 Jan 2008 16:46:06 +0100